youth- 第34部分

friendship；　and；　as　a　matter　of　fact；　in　all　his　intercourse　with

this　fellow　he　seemed　to　be　saying　proudly：　〃I　care　nothing　who　a

man　may　be。　In　my　eyes　every　one　is　equal。　I　like　him；　and

therefore　he　is　a　desirable　acquaintance。〃　Nevertheless　I　could

not　imagine　how　he　could　bring　himself　to　do　it；　nor　how　the

wretched　Bezobiedoff　ever　contrived　to　maintain　his　awkward

position。　To　me　the　friendship　seemed　a　most　distasteful　one。



One　night；　I　went　up　to　Dimitri's　room　to　try　and　get　him　to　come

down　for　an　evening's　talk　in　his　mother's　drawing…room；　where　we

could　also　listen　to　Varenika's　reading　and　singing；　but

Bezobiedoff　had　forestalled　me　there；　and　Dimitri　answered　me

curtly　that　he　could　not　come　down；　since；　as　I　could　see　for

myself；　he　had　a　visitor　with　him。



〃Besides；〃　he　added；　〃what　is　the　fun　of　sitting　there？　We　had

much　better　stay　HERE　and　talk。〃



I　scarcely　relished　the　prospect　of　spending　a　couple　of　hours　in

Bezobiedoff's　company；　yet　could　not　make　up　my　mind　to　go　down

alone；　wherefore；　cursing　my　friend's　vagaries；　I　seated　myself

in　a　rocking…chair；　and　began　rocking　myself　silently　to　and　fro。

I　felt　vexed　with　them　both　for　depriving　me　of　the　pleasures　of

the　drawing…room；　and　my　only　hope　as　I　listened　irritably　to

their　conversation　was　that　Bezobiedoff　would　soon　take　his

departure。　〃A　nice　guest　indeed　to　be　sitting　with！〃　I　thought　to

myself　when　a　footman　brought　in　tea　and　Dimitri　had　five　times

to　beg　Bezobiedoff　to　have　a　cup；　for　the　reason　that　the　bashful

guest　thought　it　incumbent　upon　him　always　to　refuse　it　at　first

and　to　say；　〃No；　help　yourself。〃　I　could　see　that　Dimitri　had　to

put　some　restraint　upon　himself　as　he　resumed　the　conversation。

He　tried　to　inveigle　me　also　into　it；　but　I　remained　glum　and

silent。



〃I　do　not　mean　to　let　my　face　give　any　one　the　suspicion　that　I

am　bored〃　was　my　mental　remark　to　Dimitri　as　I　sat　quietly

rocking　myself　to　and　fro　with　measured　beat。　Yet；　as　the　moments

passed；　I　found　myselfnot　without　a　certain　satisfaction

growing　more　and　more　inwardly　hostile　to　my　friend。　〃What　a　fool

he　is！〃　I　reflected。　〃He　might　be　spending　the　evening　agreeably

with　his　charming　family；　yet　he　goes　on　sitting　with　this

brute！will　go　on　doing　so；　too；　until　it　is　too　late　to　go　down

to　the　drawing…room！〃　Here　I　glanced　at　him　over　the　back　of　my

chair；　and　thought　the　general　look　of　his　attitude　and

appearance　so　offensive　and　repellant　that　at　the　moment　I　could

gladly　have　offered　him　some　insult；　even　a　most　serious　one。



At　last　Bezobiedoff　rose；　but　Dimitri　could　not　easily　let　such　a

delightful　friend　depart；　and　asked　him　to　stay　the　night。

Fortunately；　Bezobiedoff　declined　the　invitation；　and　departed。

Having　seen　him　off；　Dimitri　returned；　and；　smiling　a　faintly

complacent　smile　as　he　did　so；　and　rubbing　his　hands　together　（in

all　probability　partly　because　he　had　sustained　his　character　for

eccentricity；　and　partly　because　he　had　got　rid　of　a　bore）；

started　to　pace　the　room；　with　an　occasional　glance　at　myself。　I

felt　more　offended　with　him　than　ever。　〃How　can　he　go　on　walking

about　the　room　and　grinning　like　that？〃　was　my　inward　reflection。



〃What　are　you　so　angry　about？〃　he　asked　me　suddenly　as　he　halted

in　front　of　my　chair。



〃I　am　not　in　the　least　angry；〃　I　replied　（as　people　always　do

answer　under　such　circumstances）。　〃I　am　merely　vexed　that　you

should　play…act　to　me；　and　to　Bezobiedoff；　and　to　yourself。〃



〃What　rubbish！〃　he　retorted。　〃I　never　play…act　to　any　one。〃



〃I　have　in　mind　our　rule　of　frankness；〃　I　replied；　〃when　I　tell

you　that　I　am　certain　you　cannot　bear　this　Bezobiedoff　any　more

than　I　can。　He　is　an　absolute　cad；　yet　for　some　inexplicable

reason　or　another　it　pleases　you　to　masquerade　before　him。〃



〃Not　at　all！　To　begin　with；　he　is　a　splendid　fellow；　and〃



〃But　I　tell　you　it　IS　so。　I　also　tell　you　that　your　friendship

for　Lubov　Sergievna　is　founded　on　the　same　basis；　namely；　that

she　thinks　you　a　god。〃



〃And　I　tell　you　once　more　that　it　is　not　so。〃



〃Oh；　I　know　it　for　myself；〃　I　retorted　with　the　heat　of

suppressed　anger；　and　designing　to　disarm　him　with　my　frankness。

〃I　have　told　you　before；　and　I　repeat　it　now；　that　you　always

seem　to　like　people　who　say　pleasant　things　to　you；　but　that；　as

soon　as　ever　I　come　to　examine　your　friendship；　I　invariably　find

that　there　exists　no　real　attachment　between　you。〃



〃Oh；　but　you　are　wrong；〃　said　Dimitri　with　an　angry　straightening

of　the　neck　in　his　collar。　〃When　I　like　people；　neither　their

praise　nor　their　blame　can　make　any　difference　to　my　opinion　of

them。〃



〃Well；　dreadful　though　it　may　seem　to　you；　I　confess　that　I

myself　often　used　to　hate　my　father　when　he　abused　me；　and　to

wish　that　he　was　dead。　In　the　same　way；　you〃



〃Speak　for　yourself。　I　am　very　sorry　that　you　could　ever　have

been　so〃



〃No；　no！〃　I　cried　as　I　leapt　from　my　chair　and　faced　him　with　the

courage　of　exasperation。　〃It　is　for　YOURSELF　that　you　ought　to

feel　sorrysorry　because　you　never　told　me　a　word　about　this

fellow。　You　know　that　was　not　honourable　of　you。　Nevertheless；　I

will　tell　YOU　what　I　think　of　you；〃　and；　burning　to　wound　him

even　more　than　he　had　wounded　me；　I　set　out　to　prove　to　him　that

he　was　incapable　of　feeling　any　real　affection　for　anybody；　and

that　I　had　the　best　of　grounds　（as　in　very　truth　I　believed　I

had）　for　reproaching　him。　I　took　great　pleasure　in　telling　him

all　this；　but　at　the　same　time　forgot　that　the　only　conceivable

purpose　of　my　doing　soto　force　him　to　confess　to　the　faults　of

which　I　had　accused　himcould　not　possibly　be　attained　at　the

present　moment；　when　he　was　in　a　rage。　Had　he；　on　the　other　hand；

been　in　a　condition　to　argue　calmly；　I　should　probably　never　have

said　what　I　did。



The　dispute　was　verging　upon　an　open　quarrel　when　Dimitri

suddenly　became　silent；　and　left　the　room。　I　pursued　him；　and

continued　what　I　was　saying；　but　he　did　not　answer。　I　knew　that

his　failings　included　a　hasty　temper；　and　that　he　was　now

fighting　it　down；　wherefore　I　cursed　his　good　resolutions　the

more　in　my　heart。



This；　then；　was　what　our　rule　of　frankness　had　brought　us　tothe

rule　that　we　should　〃tell　one　another　everything　in　our　minds；

and　never　discuss　one　another　with　a　third　person！〃　Many　a　time

we　had　exaggerated　frankness　to　the　pitch　of　making　mutual

confession　of　the　most　shameless　thoughts；　and　of　shaming

ourselves　by　voicing　to　one　another　proposals　or　schemes　for

attaining　our　desires；　yet　those　confessions　had　not　only　failed

to　draw　closer　the　tie　which　united　us；　but　had　dissipated

sympathy　and　thrust　us　further　apart；　until　now　pride　would　not

allow　him　to　expose　his　feelings　even　in　the　smallest　detail；　and

we　employed　in　our　quarrel　the　very　weapons　which　we　had　formerly

surrendered　to　one　anotherthe　weapons　which　could　strike　the

shrewdest　blows！



XLII



OUR　STEPMOTHER



Notwithstanding　that　Papa　had　not　meant　to　return　to　Moscow

before　the　New　Year；　he　arrived　in　October；　when　there　was　still

good　riding　to　hounds　to　be　had　in　the　country。　He　alleged　as　his

reason　for　changing　his　mind　that　his　suit　was　shortly　to　come　on

before　the　Senate；　but　Mimi　averred　that　Avdotia　had　found

herself　so　ennuyee　in　the　country；　and　had　so　often　talked　about

Moscow　and　pretended　to　be　unwell；　that　Papa　had　decided　to

accede　to　her　wishes。　〃You　see；　she　never　really　loved　himshe

and　her　love　only　kept　buzzing　about　his　ears　because　she　wanted

to　marry　a　rich　man；〃　added　Mimi　with　a　pensive　sigh　which　said：

〃To　think　what　a　certain　other　person　could　have　done　for　him　if

only　he　had　valued　her！〃



Yet　that　〃certain　other　person〃　was　unjust　to　Avdotia；　seeing

that　the　latter's　affection　for　Papathe　passionate；　devoted

love　of　self…abandonmentrevealed　itself　in　her　every　look　and

word　and　movement。　At　the　same　time；　that　love　in　no　way　hindered

her；　not　only　from　being　averse　to　parting　with　her　adored

husband；　but　also　from　desiring　to　visit　Madame　Annette's　and

order　there　a　lovely　cap；　a　hat　trimmed　with　a　magnificent　blue

ostrich　feather；　and　a　blue　Venetian　velvet　bodice　which　was　to

expose　to　the　public　gaze　the　snowy；　well

shaped　breast　and　arms　which　no　one　had　yet　gazed　upon　except　her

husband　and　maids。　Of　course　Katenka　sided　with　her　mother　and；

in　general；　there　became　established　between　Avdotia　and

ourselves；　from　the　day　of　her　arrival；　the　most　extraordinary

and　burlesque　order　of　relations。　As　soon　as　she　stepped　from　the

carriage；　Woloda　assumed　an　air　of　great　seriousness　and

ceremony；　and；　advancing　towards　her　with　much　bowing　and

scraping；　said　in　the　tone　of　one　who　is　presenting　something　for

acceptance：



〃I　have　the　honour　to　greet　the　arrival　of　our　dear　Mamma；　and　to

kiss　her　hand。〃



〃Ah；　my　dear　son！〃　she　replied　with　her　beautiful；　unvarying

smile。



〃And　do　not　forget　the　younger　son；〃　I　said　as　I　also　approached

her　hand；　with　an　involuntary　imitation　of　Woloda's　voice　and

expression。



Had　our　stepmother　and　ourselves　been　certain　of　any　mutual

affection；　that　expression　might　have　signified　contempt　for　any

outward　manifestation　of　our　love。　Had　we　been　ill…disposed

towards　one　another；　it　might　have　denoted　irony；　or　contempt　for

pretence；　or　a　desire　to　conceal　from　Papa　（standing　by　the

while）　our　real　relations；　as　well　as　many　other　thoughts　and

sentiments。　But；　as　a　matter　of　fact；　that　expression　（which　well

consorted　with　Avdotia's　own　spirit）　simply　signified　nothing　at

allsimply　concealed　the　absence　of　any　definite　relations

between　us。　In　later　life　I　often　had　occasion　to　remark；　in　the

case　of　other　families　whose　members　anticipated　among　themselves

relations　not　altogether　harmonious；　the　sort　of　provisional；

burlesque　relations　which　they　formed　for　daily　use；　and　it　was

just　such　relation