youth- 第5部分

proceeded　in　the　direction　which　the　young　priest　had　pointed　out

to　me。



An　old　man　with　bushy　grey　eyebrows　and　a　black　cassock　met　me　on

the　narrow　path　to　the　cells；　and　asked　me　what　I　wanted。　For　a

brief　moment　I　felt　inclined　to　say　〃Nothing；〃　and　then　run　back

to　the　drozhki　and　drive　away　home；　but；　for　all　its　beetling

brows；　the　face　of　the　old　man　inspired　confidence；　and　I　merely

said　that　I　wished　to　see　the　priest　（whom　I　named）。



〃Very　well；　young　sir；　I　will　take　you　to　him；〃　said　the　old　man

as　he　turned　round。　Clearly　he　had　guessed　my　errand　at　a　stroke。

〃The　father　is　at　matins　at　this　moment；　but　he　will　soon　be

back；〃　and；　opening　a　door；　the　old　man　led　me　through　a　neat

hall　and　corridor；　all　lined　with　clean　matting；　to　a　cell。



〃Please　to　wait　here；〃　he　added；　and　then；　with　a　kind；

reassuring　glance；　departed。



The　little　room　in　which　I　found　myself　was　of　the　smallest

possible　dimensions；　but　extremely　neat　and　clean。　Its　furniture

only　consisted　of　a　small　table　（covered　with　a　cloth；　and　placed

between　two　equally　small　casement…windows；　in　which　stood　two

pots　of　geraniums）；　a　stand　of　ikons；　with　a　lamp　suspended　in

front　of　them；　a　bench；　and　two　chairs。　In　one　corner　hung　a　wall

clock；　with　little　flowers　painted　on　its　dial；　and　brass　weights

to　its　chains；　while　upon　two　nails　driven　into　a　screen　（which；

fastened　to　the　ceiling　with　whitewashed　pegs；　probably　concealed

the　bed）　hung　a　couple　of　cassocks。　The　windows　looked　out　upon　a

whitewashed　wall；　about　two　arshins　distant；　and　in　the　space

between　them　there　grew　a　small　lilac…bush。



Not　a　sound　penetrated　from　without；　and　in　the　stillness　the

measured；　friendly　stroke　of　the　clock's　pendulum　seemed　to　beat

quite　loudly。　The　instant　that　I　found　myself　alone　in　this　calm

retreat　all　other　thoughts　and　recollections　left　my　head　as

completely　as　though　they　had　never　been　there；　and　I　subsided

into　an　inexpressibly　pleasing　kind　of　torpor。　The　rusty　alpaca

cassocks　with　their　frayed　linings；　the　worn　black　leather

bindings　of　the　books　with　their　metal　clasps；　the　dull…green

plants　with　their　carefully　watered　leaves　and　soil；　and；　above

all；　the　abrupt；　regular　beat　of　the　pendulum；　all　spoke　to　me

intimately　of　some　new　life　hitherto　unknown　to　mea　life　of

unity　and　prayer；　of　calm；　restful　happiness。



〃The　months；　the　years；　may　pass；〃　I　thought　to　myself；　〃but　he

remains　alonealways　at　peace；　always　knowing　that　his

conscience　is　pure　before　God；　that　his　prayer　will　be　heard　by

Him。〃　For　fully　half　an　hour　I　sat　on　that　chair；　trying　not　to

move；　not　even　to　breathe　loudly；　for　fear　I　should　mar　the

harmony　of　the　sounds　which　were　telling　me　so　much；　and　ever　the

pendulum　continued　to　beat　the　samenow　a　little　louder　to　the

right；　now　a　little　softer　to　the　left。



VIII



THE　SECOND　CONFESSION



Suddenly　the　sound　of　the　priest's　footsteps　roused　me　from　this

reverie。



〃Good　morning　to　you；〃　he　said　as　he　smoothed　his　grey　hair　with

his　hand。　〃What　can　I　do　for　you？〃



I　besought　him　to　give　me　his　blessing；　and　then　kissed　his

small；　wizened　hand　with　great　fervour。　After　I　had　explained　to

him　my　errand　he　said　nothing；　but　moved　away　towards　the　ikons；

and　began　to　read　the　exhortation：　whereupon　I　overcame　my　shame；

and　told　him　all　that　was　in　my　heart。　Finally　he　laid　his　hands

upon　my　head；　and　pronounced　in　his　even；　resonant　voice　the

words：　〃My　son；　may　the　blessing　of　Our　Heavenly　Father　be　upon

thee；　and　may　He　always　preserve　thee　in　faithfulness；　loving…

kindness；　and　meekness。　Amen。〃



I　was　entirely　happy。　Tears　of　joy　coursed　down　my　face　as　I

kissed　the　hem　of　his　cassock　and　then　raised　my　head　again。　The

face　of　the　priest　expressed　perfect　tranquillity。　So　keenly　did

I　feel　the　joy　of　reconciliation　that；　fearing　in　any　way　to

dispel　it；　I　took　hasty　leave　of　him；　and；　without　looking　to　one

side　of　me　or　the　other　（in　order　that　my　attention　might　not　be

distracted）；　left　the　grounds　and　re…entered　the　rickety；

battered　drozhki。　Yet　the　joltings　of　the　vehicle　and　the　variety

of　objects　which　flitted　past　my　eyes　soon　dissipated　that

feeling；　and　I　became　filled　with　nothing　but　the　idea　that　the

priest　must　have　thought　me　the　finest…spirited　young　man　he　had

ever　met；　or　ever　would　meet；　in　the　whole　of　his　life。　Indeed；　I

reflected；　there　could　not　be　many　such　as　myselfof　that　I　felt

sure；　and　the　conviction　produced　in　me　the　kind　of　complacency

which　craves　for　self…communication　to　another。　I　had　a　great

desire　to　unbosom　myself　to　some　one；　and　as　there　was　no　one

else　to　speak　to；　I　addressed　myself　to　the　cabman。



〃Was　I　very　long　gone？　〃　I　asked　him。



〃　No；　not　very　long；〃　he　replied。　He　seemed　to　have　grown　more

cheerful　under　the　influence　of　the　sunshine。　〃Yet　now　it　is　a

good　while　past　my　horse's　feeding…time。　You　see；　I　am　a　night

cabman。〃



〃Well；　I　only　seemed　to　myself　to　be　about　a　minute；〃　I　went　on。

〃Do　you　know　what　I　went　there　for？〃　I　added；　changing　my　seat　to

the　well　of　the　drozhki；　so　as　to　be　nearer　the　driver。



〃What　business　is　it　of　mine？　I　drive　a　fare　where　he　tells　me　to

go；〃　he　replied。



〃Yes；　but；　all　the　same；　what　do　you　think　I　went　there　for？〃　I

persisted。



〃I　expect　some　one　you　know　is　going　to　be　buried　there；　so　you

went　to　see　about　a　plot　for　the　grave。〃



〃No；　no；　my　friend。　Still；　DO　you　know　what　I　went　there　for？〃



〃No；　of　course　I　cannot　tell；　barin；〃　he　repeated。



His　voice　seemed　to　me　so　kind　that　I　decided　to　edify　him　by

relating　the　cause　of　my　expedition；　and　even　telling　him　of　the

feeling　which　I　had　experienced。



〃Shall　I　tell　you？〃　I　said。　〃Well；　you　see；〃and　I　told　him　all；

as　well　as　inflicted　upon　him　a　description　of　my　fine

sentiments。　To　this　day　I　blush　at　the　recollection。



〃Well；　well！〃　said　the　cabman　non…committally；　and　for　a　long

while　afterwards　he　remained　silent　and　motionless；　except　that

at　intervals　he　adjusted　the　skirt　of　his　coat　each　time　that　it

was　jerked　from　beneath　his　leg　by　the　joltings　of　his　huge　boot

on　the　drozhki's　step。　I　felt　sure　that　he　must　be　thinking　of　me

even　as　the　priest　had　done。　That　is　to　say；　that　he　must　be

thinking　that　no　such　fine…spirited　young　man　existed　in　the

world　as　I。　Suddenly　he　shot　at　me：



〃I　tell　you　what；　barin。　You　ought　to　keep　God's　affairs　to

yourself。〃



〃What？〃　I　said。



〃Those　affairs　of　yoursthey　are　God's　business；〃　he　repeated；

mumbling　the　words　with　his　toothless　lips。



〃No；　he　has　not　understood　me；〃　I　thought　to　myself；　and　said　no

more　to　him　till　we　reached　home。



Although　it　was　not　my　original　sense　of　reconciliation　and

reverence；　but　only　a　sort　of　complacency　at　having　experienced

such　a　sense；　that　lasted　in　me　during　the　drive　home　（and　that；

too；　despite　the　distraction　of　the　crowds　of　people　who　now

thronged　the　sunlit　streets　in　every　direction）；　I　had　no　sooner

reached　home　than　even　my　spurious　complacency　was　shattered；　for

I　found　that　I　had　not　the　forty　copecks　wherewith　to　pay　the

cabman！　To　the　butler；　Gabriel；　I　already　owed　a　small　debt；　and

he　refused　to　lend　me　any　more。　Seeing　me　twice　run　across　the

courtyard　in　quest　of　the　money；　the　cabman　must　have　divined　the

reason；　for；　leaping　from　his　drozhki；　henotwithstanding　that

he　had　seemed　so　kindbegan　to　bawl　aloud　（with　an　evident

desire　to　punch　my　head）　that　people　who　do　not　pay　for　their

cab…rides　are　swindlers。



None　of　my　family　were　yet　out　of　bed；　so　that；　except　for　the

servants；　there　was　no　one　from　whom　to　borrow　the　forty　copecks。

At　length；　on　my　most　sacred；　sacred　word　of　honour　to　repay　（a

word　to　which；　as　I　could　see　from　his　face；　he　did　not

altogether　trust）；　Basil　so　far　yielded　to　his　fondness　for　me

and　his　remembrance　of　the　many　services　I　had　done　him　as　to　pay

the　cabman。　Thus　all　my　beautiful　feelings　ended　in　smoke。　When　I

went　upstairs　to　dress　for　church　and　go　to　Communion　with　the

rest　I　found　that　my　new　clothes　had　not　yet　come　home；　and　so　I

could　not　wear　them。　Then　I　sinned　headlong。　Donning　my　other

suit；　I　went　to　Communion　in　a　sad　state　of　mental　perturbation；

and　filled　with　complete　distrust　of　all　my　finer　impulses。



IX



HOW　I　PREPARED　MYSELF　FOR　THE　EXAMINATIONS



On　the　Thursday　in　Easter　week　Papa；　my　sister；　Katenka；　and　Mimi

went　away　into　the　country；　and　no　one　remained　in　my

grandmother's　great　house　but　Woloda；　St。　Jerome；　and　myself。　The

frame　of　mind　which　I　had　experienced　on　the　day　of　my　confession

and　during　my　subsequent　expedition　to　the　monastery　had　now

completely　passed　away；　and　left　behind　it　only　a　dim；　though

pleasing；　memory　which　daily　became　more　and　more　submerged　by

the　impressions　of　this　emancipated　existence。



The　folio　endorsed　〃Rules　of　My　Life〃　lay　concealed　beneath　a

pile　of　school…books。　Although　the　idea　of　the　possibility　of

framing　rules；　for　every　occasion　in　my　life　and　always　letting

myself　be　guided　by　them　still　pleased　me　（since　it　appeared　an

idea　at　once　simple　and　magnificent；　and　I　was　determined　to　make

practical　application　of　it）；　I　seemed　somehow　to　have　forgotten

to　put　it　into　practice　at　once；　and　kept　deferring　doing　so

until　such　and　such　a　moment。　At　the　same　time；　I　took　pleasure

in　the　thought　that　every　idea　which　now　entered　my　head　could　be

allotted　precisely　to　one　or　other　of　my　three　sections　of　tasks

and　dutiesthose　for　or　to　God；　those　for　or　to　my　neighbour；　and

those　for　or　to　myself。　〃I　can　always　refer　everything　to　them；〃

I　said　to　myself；　〃as　well　as　the　many；　many　other　ideas　which

occur　to　me　on　one　subject　or　another。〃　Yet　at　this　period　I

often　asked　myself；　〃Was　I　better　and　more　truthful　when　I　only

believed　in　the　power　of　the　human　intellect；　or　am　I　more　so

now；　when　I　am　losing　the　facult