the wife and other stories- 第24部分

A　little　later　lights　are　brought　in。　The　armchair　and　the　lamp…shade　cast　familiar　shadows　that　have　long　grown　wearisome　on　the　walls　and　on　the　floor；　and　when　I　look　at　them　I　feel　as　though　the　night　had　come　and　with　it　my　accursed　sleeplessness。　I　lie　on　my　bed；　then　get　up　and　walk　about　the　room；　then　lie　down　again。　As　a　rule　it　is　after　dinner；　at　the　approach　of　evening；　that　my　nervous　excitement　reaches　its　highest　pitch。　For　no　reason　I　begin　crying　and　burying　my　head　in　the　pillow。　At　such　times　I　am　afraid　that　some　one　may　come　in；　I　am　afraid　of　suddenly　dying；　I　am　ashamed　of　my　tears；　and　altogether　there　is　something　insufferable　in　my　soul。　I　feel　that　I　can　no　longer　bear　the　sight　of　my　lamp；　of　my　books；　of　the　shadows　on　the　floor。　I　cannot　bear　the　sound　of　the　voices　coming　from　the　drawing…room。　Some　force　unseen；　uncomprehended；　is　roughly　thrusting　me　out　of　my　flat。　I　leap　up　hurriedly；　dress；　and　cautiously；　that　my　family　may　not　notice；　slip　out　into　the　street。　Where　am　I　to　go？

The　answer　to　that　question　has　long　been　ready　in　my　brain。　To　Katya。

III

As　a　rule　she　is　lying　on　the　sofa　or　in　a　lounge…chair　reading。　Seeing　me；　she　raises　her　head　languidly；　sits　up；　and　shakes　hands。

〃You　are　always　lying　down；〃　I　say；　after　pausing　and　taking　breath。　〃That's　not　good　for　you。　You　ought　to　occupy　yourself　with　something。〃

〃What？〃

〃I　say　you　ought　to　occupy　yourself　in　some　way。〃

〃With　what？　A　woman　can　be　nothing　but　a　simple　workwoman　or　an　actress。〃

〃Well；　if　you　can't　be　a　workwoman；　be　an　actress。〃

She　says　nothing。

〃You　ought　to　get　married；〃　I　say；　half　in　jest。

〃There　is　no　one　to　marry。　There's　no　reason　to；　either。〃

〃You　can't　live　like　this。〃

〃Without　a　husband？　Much　that　matters；　I　could　have　as　many　men　as　I　like　if　I　wanted　to。〃

〃That's　ugly；　Katya。〃

〃What　is　ugly？〃

〃Why；　what　you　have　just　said。〃

Noticing　that　I　am　hurt　and　wishing　to　efface　the　disagreeable　impression；　Katya　says：

〃Let　us　go；　come　this　way。〃

She　takes　me　into　a　very　snug　little　room；　and　says；　pointing　to　the　writing…table：

〃Look　。　。　。　I　have　got　that　ready　for　you。　You　shall　work　here。　Come　here　every　day　and　bring　your　work　with　you。　They　only　hinder　you　there　at　home。　Will　you　work　here？　Will　you　like　to？〃

Not　to　wound　her　by　refusing；　I　answer　that　I　will　work　here；　and　that　I　like　the　room　very　much。　Then　we　both　sit　down　in　the　snug　little　room　and　begin　talking。

The　warm；　snug　surroundings　and　the　presence　of　a　sympathetic　person　does　not；　as　in　old　days；　arouse　in　me　a　feeling　of　pleasure；　but　an　intense　impulse　to　complain　and　grumble。　I　feel　for　some　reason　that　if　I　lament　and　complain　I　shall　feel　better。

〃Things　are　in　a　bad　way　with　me；　my　dear　　very　bad。　。　。　。〃

〃What　is　it？〃

〃You　see　how　it　is；　my　dear；　the　best　and　holiest　right　of　kings　is　the　right　of　mercy。　And　I　have　always　felt　myself　a　king；　since　I　have　made　unlimited　use　of　that　right。　I　have　never　judged；　I　have　been　indulgent；　I　have　readily　forgiven　every　one；　right　and　left。　Where　others　have　protested　and　expressed　indignation；　I　have　only　advised　and　persuaded。　All　my　life　it　has　been　my　endeavour　that　my　society　should　not　be　a　burden　to　my　family；　to　my　students；　to　my　colleagues；　to　my　servants。　And　I　know　that　this　attitude　to　people　has　had　a　good　influence　on　all　who　have　chanced　to　c　ome　into　contact　with　me。　But　now　I　am　not　a　king。　Something　is　happening　to　me　that　is　only　excusable　in　a　slave；　day　and　night　my　brain　is　haunted　by　evil　thoughts；　and　feelings　such　as　I　never　knew　before　are　brooding　in　my　soul。　I　am　full　of　hatred；　and　contempt；　and　indignation；　and　loathing；　and　dread。　I　have　become　excessively　severe；　exacting；　irritable；　ungracious；　suspicious。　Even　things　that　in　old　days　would　have　provoked　me　only　to　an　unnecessary　jest　and　a　good…natured　laugh　now　arouse　an　oppressive　feeling　in　me。　My　reasoning；　too；　has　undergone　a　change：　in　old　days　I　despised　money；　now　I　harbour　an　evil　feeling；　not　towards　money；　but　towards　the　rich　as　though　they　were　to　blame：　in　old　days　I　hated　violence　and　tyranny；　but　now　I　hate　the　men　who　make　use　of　violence；　as　though　they　were　alone　to　blame；　and　not　all　of　us　who　do　not　know　how　to　educate　each　other。　What　is　the　meaning　of　it？　If　these　new　ideas　and　new　feelings　have　come　from　a　change　of　convictions；　what　is　that　change　due　to？　Can　the　world　have　grown　worse　and　I　better；　or　was　I　blind　before　and　indifferent？　If　this　change　is　the　result　of　a　general　decline　of　physical　and　intellectual　powers　　I　am　ill；　you　know；　and　every　day　I　am　losing　weight　　my　position　is　pitiable；　it　means　that　my　new　ideas　are　morbid　and　abnormal；　I　ought　to　be　ashamed　of　them　and　think　them　of　no　consequence。　。　。　。〃

〃Illness　has　nothing　to　do　with　it；〃　Katya　interrupts　me；　〃it's　simply　that　your　eyes　are　opened；　that's　all。　You　have　seen　what　in　old　days；　for　some　reason；　you　refused　to　see。　To　my　thinking；　what　you　ought　to　do　first　of　all；　is　to　break　with　your　family　for　good；　and　go　away。〃

〃You　are　talking　nonsense。〃

〃You　don't　love　them；　why　should　you　force　your　feelings？　Can　you　call　them　a　family？　Nonentities！　If　they　died　today；　no　one　would　notice　their　absence　tomorrow。〃

Katya　despises　my　wife　and　Liza　as　much　as　they　hate　her。　One　can　hardly　talk　at　this　date　of　people's　having　a　right　to　despise　one　another。　But　if　one　looks　at　it　from　Katya's　standpoint　and　recognizes　such　a　right；　one　can　see　she　has　as　much　right　to　despise　my　wife　and　Liza　as　they　have　to　hate　her。

〃Nonentities；〃　she　goes　on。　〃Have　you　had　dinner　today？　How　was　it　they　did　not　forget　to　tell　you　it　was　ready？　How　is　it　they　still　remember　your　existence？〃

〃Katya；〃　I　say　sternly；　〃I　beg　you　to　be　silent。〃

〃You　think　I　enjoy　talking　about　them？　I　should　be　glad　not　to　know　them　at　all。　Listen；　my　dear：　give　it　all　up　and　go　away。　Go　abroad。　The　sooner　the　better。〃

〃What　nonsense！　What　about　the　University？〃

〃The　University；　too。　What　is　it　to　you？　There's　no　sense　in　it；　anyway。　You　have　been　lecturing　for　thirty　years；　and　where　are　your　pupils？　Are　many　of　them　celebrated　scientific　men？　Count　them　up！　And　to　multiply　the　doctors　who　exploit　ignorance　and　pile　up　hundreds　of　thousands　for　themselves；　there　is　no　need　to　be　a　good　and　talented　man。　You　are　not　wanted。〃

〃Good　heavens！　how　harsh　you　are！〃　I　cry　in　horror。　〃How　harsh　you　are！　Be　quiet　or　I　will　go　away！　I　don't　know　how　to　answer　the　harsh　things　you　say！〃

The　maid　comes　in　and　summons　us　to　tea。　At　the　samovar　our　conversation；　thank　God；　changes。　After　having　had　my　grumble　out；　I　have　a　longing　to　give　way　to　another　weakness　of　old　age；　reminiscences。　I　tell　Katya　about　my　past；　and　to　my　great　astonishment　tell　her　incidents　which；　till　then；　I　did　not　suspect　of　being　still　preserved　in　my　memory；　and　she　listens　to　me　with　tenderness；　with　pride；　holding　her　breath。　I　am　particularly　fond　of　telling　her　how　I　was　educated　in　a　seminary　and　dreamed　of　going　to　the　University。

〃At　times　I　used　to　walk　about　our　seminary　garden　。　。　。〃　I　would　tell　her。　〃If　from　some　faraway　tavern　the　wind　floated　sounds　of　a　song　and　the　squeaking　of　an　accordion；　or　a　sledge　with　bells　dashed　by　the　garden…fence；　it　was　quite　enough　to　send　a　rush　of　happiness；　filling　not　only　my　heart；　but　even　my　stomach；　my　legs；　my　arms。　。　。　。　I　would　listen　to　the　accordion　or　the　bells　dying　away　in　the　distance　and　imagine　myself　a　doctor；　and　paint　pictures；　one　better　than　another。　And　here；　as　you　see；　my　dreams　have　come　true。　I　have　had　more　than　I　dared　to　dream　of。　For　thirty　years　I　have　been　the　favourite　professor；　I　have　had　splendid　comrades；　I　have　enjoyed　fame　and　honour。　I　have　loved；　married　from　passionate　love；　have　had　children。　In　fact；　looking　back　upon　it；　I　see　my　whole　life　as　a　fine　composition　arranged　with　talent。　Now　all　that　is　left　to　me　is　not　to　spoil　the　end。　For　that　I　must　die　like　a　man。　If　death　is　really　a　thing　to　dread；　I　must　meet　it　as　a　teacher；　a　man　of　science；　and　a　citizen　of　a　Christian　country　ought　to　meet　it；　with　courage　and　untroubled　soul。　But　I　am　spoiling　the　end；　I　am　sinking；　I　fly　to　you；　I　beg　for　help；　and　you　tell　me　'Sink；　that　is　what　you　ought　to　do。'　〃

But　here　there　comes　a　ring　at　the　front…door。　Katya　and　I　recognize　it；　and　say：

〃It　must　be　Mihail　Fyodorovitch。〃

And　a　minute　later　my　colleague；　the　philologist　Mihail　Fyodorovitch；　a　tall；　well…built　man　of　fifty；　clean…shaven；　with　thick　grey　hair　and　black　eyebrows；　walks　in。　He　is　a　good…natured　man　and　an　excellent　comrade。　He　comes　of　a　fortunate　and　talented　old　noble　family　which　has　played　a　prominent　part　in　the　history　of　literature　and　enlightenment。　He　is　himself　intelligent；　talented；　and　very　highly　educated；　but　has　his　oddities。　To　a　certain　extent　we　are　all　odd　and　all　queer　fish；　but　in　his　oddities　there　is　something　exceptional；　apt　to　cause　anxiety　among　his　acquaintances。　I　know　a　good　many　people　for　whom　his　oddities　completely　obscure　his　good　qualities。

Coming　in　to　us；　he　slowly　takes　off　his　gloves　and　says　in　his　velvety　bass：

〃Good…evening。　Are　you　having　tea？　That's　just　right。　It's　diabolically　cold。〃

Then　he　sits　down　to　the　table；　takes　a　glass；　and　at　once　begins　talking。　What　is　most　characteristic　in　his　manner　of　talking　is　the　continually　jesting　tone；　a　sort　of　mixture　of　philosophy　and　drollery　as　in　Shakespeare's　gravediggers。　He　is　always　talking　about　serious　things；　but　he　never　speaks　seriously。　His　judgments　are　always　harsh　and　railing；　but；　thanks　to　his　soft；　even；　jesting　tone；　the　harshness　and　abuse　do　not　jar　upon　the　ear；　and　one　soon　grows　used　to　them。　Every　evening　he　brings　with　him　five　or　six　anecdotes　from　the　University；　and　he　usually　begins　with　them　when　he　sits　down　to　table。

〃Oh；　Lord！〃　he　sighs；　twitching　his　black　eyebrows　ironically。　〃What　comic　people　there　are　in　the　world！〃

〃Well？〃　asks　Katya。

〃As　I　was　coming　from　my　lecture　this　morning　I　met　that　old　idiot　N。　N　on　the　stairs。　。　。　。　He　was　going　along　as　usual；　sticking　out　his　chin　like　a　horse；　looking　for　some　one　to　listen　to　his　grumblings　at　his　migraine；　at　his　wife；　and　his　students