the book of snobs- 第15部分

people　liking　a　sham　COURT　CIRCULAR！



I　think　the　shams　of　Ireland　are　more　outrageous　than

those　of　any　country。　　A　fellow　shows　you　a　hill　and

says；　'That's　the　highest　mountain　in　all　Ireland；'

a　gentleman　tells　you　he　is　descended　from　Brian　Boroo

and　has　his　five…and…thirty　hundred　a　year；　or　Mrs。

Macmanus　describes　her　fawther's　esteet；　or　ould　Dan

rises　and　says　the　Irish　women　are　the　loveliest；　the

Irish　men　the　bravest；　the　Irish　land　the　most　fertile　in

the　world：　and　nobody　believes　anybodythe　latter　does

not　believe　his　story　nor　the　hearer：but　they　make…

believe　to　believe；　and　solemnly　do　honour　to　humbug。



O　Ireland！　　O　my　country！　（for　I　make　little　doubt　I　am

descended　from　Brian　Boroo　too）　when　will　you　acknowledge

that　two　and　two　make　four；　and　call　a　pikestaff　a

pikestaff？that　is　the　very　best　use　you　can　make　of　the

latter。　　Irish　snobs　will　dwindle　away　then　and　we　shall

never　hear　tell　of　Hereditary　bondsmen。







CHAPTER　XVIII



PARTY…GIVING　SNOBS



Our　selection　of　Snobs　has　lately　been　too　exclusively　of

a　political　character。　　'Give　us　private　Snobs；'　cry　the

dear　ladies。　　（I　have　before　me　the　letter　of　one　fair

correspondent　of　the　fishing　village　of　Brighthelmstone

in　Sussex；　and　could　her　commands　ever　be　disobeyed？）

'Tell　us　more；　dear　Mr。　Snob；　about　your　experience　of

Snobs　in　society。'　　Heaven　bless　the　dear　souls！they

are　accustomed　to　the　word　nowthe　odious；　vulgar；

horrid；　unpronounceable　word　slips　out　of　their　lips　with

the　prettiest　glibness　possible。　　I　should　not　wonder　if

it　were　used　at　Court　amongst　the　Maids　of　Honour。　　In

the　very　best　society　I　know　it　is。　　And　why　not？

Snobbishness　is　vulgarthe　mere　words　are　not：　that

which　we　call　a　Snob；　by　any　other　name　would　still　be

Snobbish。



Well；　then。　　As　the　season　is　drawing　to　a　close：　as　many

hundreds　of　kind　souls；　snobbish　or　otherwise；　have

quitted　London；　as　many　hospitable　carpets　are　taken　up；

and　window…blinds　are　pitilessly　papered　with　the　MORNING

HERALD；　and　mansions　once　inhabited　by　cheerful　owners

are　now　consigned　to　the　care　of　the　housekeeper's　dreary

LOCUM　TENENSsome　mouldy　old　woman；　who；　in　reply　to　the

hopeless　clanging　of　the　bell；　peers　at　you　for　a　moment

from　the　area；　and　then　slowly　unbolting　the　great　hall…

door；　informs　you　my　lady　has　left　town；　or　that　'the

family's　in　the　country；'　or　'gone　up　the　Rind；'or　what

not；　as　the　season　and　parties　are　over；　why　not　consider

Party…giving　Snobs　for　a　while；　and　review　the　conduct　of

some　of　those　individuals　who　have　quitted　the　town　for

six　months？



Some　of　those　worthy　Snobs　are　making…believe　to　go

yachting；　and；　dressed　in　telescopes　and　pea…jackets；　are

passing　their　time　between　Cherbourg　and　Cowes；　some

living　higgledy…piggledy　in　dismal　little　huts　in

Scotland；　provisioned　with　canisters　of　portable　soup；

and　fricandeaux　hermetically　sealed　in　tin；　are　passing

their　days　slaughtering　grouse　upon　the　moors；　some　are

dozing　and　bathing　away　the　effects　of　the　season　at

Kissingen；　or　watching　the　ingenious　game　of　TRENTE　ET

QUARANTE　at　Homburg　and　Ems。　　We　can　afford　to　be　very

bitter　upon　them　now　they　are　all　gone。　　Now　there　are　no

more　parties；　let　us　have　at　the　Party…giving　Snobs。　　The

dinner…giving；　the　ball…giving；　the　DEJEUNER…giving；　the

CONVERSAZIONE…GIVING　SnobsLord！　　Lord！　what　havoc　might

have　been　made　amongst　them　had　we　attacked　them　during

the　plethora　of　the　season！　　I　should　have　been　obliged

to　have　a　guard　to　defend　me　from　fiddlers　and

pastrycooks；　indignant　at　the　abuse　of　their　patrons。

Already　I'm　told　that；　from　some　flippant　and　unguarded

expressions　considered　derogatory　to　Baker　Street　and

Harley　Street；　rents　have　fallen　in　these　respectable

quarters；　and　orders　have　been　issued　that　at　least　Mr。

Snob　shall　be　asked　to　parties　there　no　more。　　Well；

thennow　they　are　ALL　away；　let　us　frisk　at　our　ease；

and　have　at　everything　like　the　bull　in　the　china…shop。

They　mayn't　hear　of　what　is　going　on　in　their　absence；

and；　if　they　do　they　can't　bear　malice　for　six　months。

We　will　begin　to　make　it　up　with　them　about　next

February；　and　let　next　year　take　care　of　itself。　　We

shall　have　no　dinners　from　the　dinner…giving　Snobs：　no

more　from　the　ball…givers：　no　more　CONVERSAZIONES　（thank

Mussy！　as　Jeames　says；）　from　the　Conversaziones　Snob：　and

what　is　to　prevent　us　from　telling　the　truth？



The　snobbishness　of　Conversazione　Snobs　is　very　soon

disposed　of：　as　soon　as　that　cup　of　washy　bohea　is　handed

to　you　in　the　tea…room；　or　the　muddy　remnant　of　ice　that

you　grasp　in　the　suffocating　scuffle　of　the　assembly

upstairs。



Good　heavens！　　What　do　people　mean　by　going　there？　　What

is　done　there；　that　everybody　throngs　into　those　three

little　rooms？　　Was　the　Black　Hole　considered　to　be　an

agreeable　REUNION；　that　Britons　in　the　dog…days　here　seek

to　imitate　it？　　　After　being　rammed　to　a　jelly　in　a　door…

way　（where　you　feel　your　feet　going　through　Lady　Barbara

Macbeth's　lace　flounces；　and　get　a　look　from　that　haggard

and　painted　old　harpy；　compared　to　which　the　gaze　of

Ugolino　is　quite　cheerful）；　after　withdrawing　your　elbow

out　of　poor　gasping　Bob　Guttleton's　white　waistcoat；　from

which　cushion　it　was　impossible　to　remove　it；　though　you

knew　you　were　squeezing　poor　Bob　into　an　apoplexyyou

find　yourself　at　last　in　the　reception…room；　and　try　to

catch　the　eye　of　Mrs。　Botibol；　the　CONVERSAZIONE…giver。

When　you　catch　her　eye；　you　are　expected　to　grin；　and　she

smiles　too；　for　the　four　hundredth　time　that　night；　and；

if　she's　very　glad　to　see　you；　waggles　her　little　hand

before　her　face　as　if　to　blow　you　a　kiss；　as　the　phrase

is。



Why　the　deuce　should　Mrs。　Botibol　blow　me　a　kiss？　　I

wouldn't　kiss　her　for　the　world。　　Why　do　I　grin　when　I

see　her；　as　if　I　was　delighted？　　Am　I？　　I　don't　care　a

straw　for　Mrs。　Botibol。　　I　know　what　she　thinks　about　me。

I　know　what　she　said　about　my　last　volume　of　poems　（I　had

it　from　a　dear　mutual　friend）。　　Why；　I　say　in　a　word；　are

we　going　on　ogling　and　telegraphing　each　other　in　this

insane　way？

Because　we　are　both　performing　the　ceremonies　demanded　by

the　Great　Snob　Society；　whose　dictates　we　all　of　us　obey。



Well；　the　recognition　is　overmy　jaws　have　returned　to

their　usual　English　expression　of　subdued　agony　and

intense　gloom；　and　the　Botibol　is　grinning　and　kissing

her　fingers　to　somebody　else；　who　is　squeezing　through

the　aperture　by　which　we　have　just　entered。　　It　is　Lady

Ann　Clutterbuck；　who　has　her　Friday　evenings；　as　Botibol

（Botty；　we　call　her；）　has　Wednesdays。　　That　is　Miss

Clementina　Clutterbuck　the　cadaverous　young　woman　in

green；　with　florid　auburn　hair；　who　has　published　her

volume　of　poems　（'The　Death…Shriek；'　'Damiens；'　'The

Faggot　of　Joan　of　Arc；'　and　'Translations　from　the

German'　of　course）。　　The　conversazione…women　salute　each

other　calling　each　other　'My　dear　Lady　Ann'　and　'My　dear

good　Eliza；'　and　hating　each　other；　as　women　hate　who

give　parties　on　Wednesdays　and　Fridays。　　With

inexpressible　pain　dear　good　Eliza　sees　Ann　go　up　and

coax　and　wheedle　Abou　Gosh；　who　has　just　arrived　from

Syria；　and　beg　him　to　patronize　her　Fridays。



All　this　while；　amidst　the　crowd　and　the　scuffle；　and　a

perpetual　buzz　and　chatter；　and　the　flare　of　the　wax…

candles；　and　an　intolerable　smell　of　muskwhat　the　poor

Snobs　who　write　fashionable　romances　call　'the　gleam　of

gems；　the　odour　of　perfumes；　the　blaze　of　countless

lamps'a　scrubby…looking；　yellow…faced　foreigner；　with

cleaned　gloves；　is　warbling　inaudibly　in　a　corner；　to　the

accompaniment　of　another。　　'The　Great　Cacafogo；'　Mrs。

Botibol　whispers；　as　she　passes　you　by。　　'A　great

creature；　Thumpenstrumpff；　is　at　the　instrumentthe

Hetman　Platoff's　pianist；　you　know。'



To　hear　this　Cacafogo　and　Thumpenstrumpff；　a　hundred

people　are　gathered　togethera　bevy　of　dowagers；　stout

or　scraggy；　a　faint　sprinkling　of　misses；　six　moody…

looking　lords；　perfectly　meek　and　solemn；　wonderful

foreign　Counts；　with　bushy　whiskers　and　yellow　faces；　and

a　great　deal　of　dubious　jewellery；　young　dandies　with

slim　waists　and　open　necks；　and　self…satisfied　simpers；

and　flowers　in　their　buttons；　the　old；　stiff；　stout；

bald…headed　CONVERSAZIONE　ROUES；　whom

You　meet　everywherewho　never　miss　a　night　of　this

delicious　enjoyment；　the　three　last…caught　lions　of　the

seasonHiggs；　the　traveller；　Biggs；　the　novelist；　and

Toffey；　who　has　come　out　so　on　the　sugar　question；

Captain　Flash；　who　is　invited　on　account　of　his　pretty

wife　and　Lord　Ogleby；　who　goes　wherever　she　goes。



QUE　SCAIS…JE？　　Who　are　the　owners　of　all　those　showy

scarfs　and　white　neckcloths？Ask　little　Tom　Prig；　who　is

there　in　all　his　glory；　knows　everybody；　has　a　story

about　every　one；　and；　as　he　trips　home　to　his　lodgings　in

Jermyn　Street；　with　his　gibus…hat　and　his　little　glazed

pumps；　thinks　he　is　the　fashionablest　young　fellow　in

town；　and　that　he　really　has　passed　a　night　of　exquisite

enjoyment。



You　go　up　（with　our　usual　easy　elegance　of　manner）　and

talk　to　Miss　Smith　in　a　corner。　　'Oh；　Mr。　Snob；　I'm

afraid　you're　sadly　satirical。'



That's　all　she　says。　　If　you　say　it's　fine　weather；　she

bursts　out　laughing；　or　hint　that　it's　very　hot；　she　vows

you　are　the　drollest　wretch！　　Meanwhile　Mrs。　Botibol　is

simpering　on　fresh　arrivals；　the　individual　at　the　door

is　roaring　out　their　names；　poor　Cacafogo　is　quavering

away　in　the　music…room；　under　the　impression　that　he　will

be　LANCE　in　the　world　by　singing　inaudibly　here。　　And

what　a　blessing　it　is　to　squeeze　out　of　the　door；　and

into　the　street；　where　a　half…hundred　of　carriages　are　in

waiting；　and　where　the　link…boy；　with　that　unnecessary

lantern　of　his；　pounces　upon　all　who　issue　out；　and　will

insist　upon　getting　your　noble　honour's　lordship's　cab。



And　to　think　that　there　are　people　who；　after　having

been