Ponto family； like our late revered monarch George II。；
had a fancy for stale fish。 And about this time； the pig
being consumed； we began upon a sheep。
But how shall I forget the solemn splendour of a second
course； which was served up in great state by Stripes in
a silver dish and cove； a napkin round his dirty thumbs；
and consisted of a landrail； not much bigger than a
corpulent sparrow。
'My love； will you take any game？' says Ponto； with
prodigious gravity； and stuck his fork into that little
mouthful of an island in the silver sea。 Stripes； too；
at intervals； dribbled out the Marsala with a solemnity
which would have done honour to a Duke's butler。 The
Bamnecide's dinner to Shacabac was only one degree
removed from these solemn banquets。
As there were plenty of pretty country places close by； a
comfortable country town； with good houses of
gentlefolks； a beautiful old parsonage； close to the
church whither we went （and where the Carabas family have
their ancestral carved and monumented Gothic pew）； and
every appearance of good society in the neighbourhood； I
rather wondered we were not enlivened by the appearance
of some of the neighbours at the Evergreens； and asked
about them。
'We can't in our position of lifewe can't well
associate with the attorney's family； as I leave you to
suppose；' says Mrs。 Ponto； confidentially。 'Of course
not；' I answered； though I didn't know why。 'And the
Doctor？' said I。
'A most excellent worthy creature；' says Mrs。 P。 saved
Maria's lifereally a learned man； but what can one do
in one's position？ One may ask one's medical man to
one's table certainly： but his family； my dear Mr。 Snob！'
'Half…a…dozen little gallipots；' interposed Miss Wirt；
the governess： 'he； he； he！' and the young ladies laughed
in chorus。
'We only live with the county families；' Miss Wirt （1）
continued； tossing up her head。 'The Duke is abroad： we
are at feud with the Carabases； the Ringwoods don't come
down till Christmas： in fact； nobody's here till the
hunting seasonpositively nobody。'
'Whose is the large red house just outside of the town？'
'What！ the CHATEAU…CALICOT？ he； he； he！ That purse…proud
ex…linendraper； Mr。 Yardley； with the yellow liveries；
and the wife in red velvet？ How CAN you； my dear Mr。
Snob； be so satirical？ The impertinence of those people
is really something quite overwhelming。'
'Well； then； there is the parson； Doctor Chrysostom。
He's a gentleman； at any rate。' At this Mrs。 Ponto
looked at Miss Wirt。 After their eyes had met and they
had wagged their heads at each other。 They looked up to
the ceiling。 So did the young ladies。 They thrilled。
It was evident I had said something terrible。 Another
black sheep in the Church？ thought I with a little
sorrow； for I don't care to own that I have a respect for
the cloth。 'Ihope there's nothing wrong？
'Wrong？' says Mrs。 P。； clasping her hands with a tragic
air。
'Oh！' says Miss Wirt； and the two girls； gasping in
chorus。
'Well；' says I； 'I'm very sorry for it。 I never saw a
nicer…looking old gentleman； or a better school； or heard
a better sermon。'
'He used to preach those sermons in a surplice；' hissed
out Mrs。 Ponto。 'He's a Puseyite； Mr。 Snob。'
'Heavenly powers！' says I； admiring the pure ardour of
these female theologians； and Stripes came in with the
tea。 It's so weak that no wonder Ponto's sleep isn't
disturbed by it。
Of mornings we used to go out shooting。 We had Ponto's
own fields to sport over （where we got the landrail）； and
the non…preserved part of the Hawbuck property： and one
evening in a stubble of Ponto's skirting the Carabas
woods； we got among some pheasants； and had some real
sport。 I shot a hen； I know； greatly to my delight。
'Bag it；' says Ponto； in rather a hurried manner： 'here's
somebody coming。' So I pocketed the bird。
'You infernal poaching thieves！' roars out a man from the
hedge in the garb of a gamekeeper。 'I wish I could catch
you on this side of the hedge。 I'd put a brace of
barrels into you； that I would。'
'Curse that Snapper；' says Ponto； moving off； 'he's
always watching me like a spy。'
'Carry off the birds； you sneaks； and sell 'em in
London；' roars the individual； who it appears was a
keeper of Lord Carabas。 'You'll get six shillings a
brace for 'em。'
'YOU know the price of 'em well enough； and so does your
master too； you scoundrel；' says Ponto； still retreating。
'We kill 'em on our ground；' cries Mr。 Snapper。 'WE
don't set traps for other people's birds。 We're no decoy
ducks。 We're no sneaking poachers。 We don't shoot 'ens；
like that 'ere Cockney； who's got the tail of one a…
sticking out of his pocket。 Only just come across the
hedge； that's all。'
'I tell you what；' says Stripes； who was out with us as
keeper this day； （in fact he's keeper； coachman；
gardener； valet； and bailiff； with Tummus under him；） 'if
YOU'LL come across； John Snapper； and take your coat off；
I'll give you such a whopping as you've never had since
the last time I did it at Guttlebury Fair。'
'Whop one of your own weight；' Mr。 Snapper said；
whistling his dogs and disappearing into the wood。 And
so we came out of this controversy rather victoriously；
but I began to alter my preconceived ideas of rural
felicity。
Notes。
（1） I have since heard that this aristocratic lady's
father was a livery…button maker in St。 Martin's Lane：
where he met with misfortunes； and his daughter acquired
her taste for heraldry。 But it may be told to her
credit； that out of her earnings she has kept the bed…
ridden old bankrupt in great comfort and secrecy at
Pentonville； and furnished her brother's outfit for the
Cadetship which her patron； Lord Swigglebiggle； gave her
when he was at the Board of Control。 I have this
information from a friend。 To hear Miss Wirt herself；
you would fancy that her Papa was a Rothschild； and that
the markets of Europe were convulsed when he went into
the GAZETTE。
CHAPTER XXVIII
ON SOME COUNTRY SNOBS
'Be hanged to your aristocrats！' Ponto said； in some
conversation we had regarding the family at Carabas；
between whom and the Evergreens there was a feud。 'When
I first came into the countyit was the year before Sir
John Buff contested in the Blue interestthe Marquis；
then Lord St。 Michaels； who； of course； was Orange to the
core； paid me and Mrs。 Ponto such attentions； that I
fairly confess I was taken in by the old humbug； and
thought that I'd met with a rare neighbour。 'Gad； Sir；
we used to get pines from Carabas； and pheasants from
Carabas； and it was〃Ponto； when will you come over and
shoot？〃and〃Ponto； our pheasants want thinning；〃and
my Lady would insist upon her dear Mrs。 Ponto coming over
to Carabas to sleep； and put me I don't know to what
expense for turbans and velvet gowns for my wife's
toilette。 Well； Sir； the election takes place； and
though I was always a Liberal； personal friendship of
course induces me to plump for St。 Michaels； who comes in
at the head of the poll。 Next year； Mrs。 P。 insists upon
going to townwith lodgings in Clarges Street at ten
pounds a week； with a hired brougham； and new dresses for
herself and the girls； and the deuce and all to pay。 Our
first cards were to Carabas House； my Lady's are returned
by a great big flunkey； and I leave you to fancy my poor
Betsy's discomfiture as the lodging…house maid took in
the cards； and Lady St。 Michaels drives away； though she
actually saw us at the drawing…room window。 Would you
believe it； Sir； that though we called four times
afterwards； those infernal aristocrats never returned our
visit； that though Lady St。 Michaels gave nine dinner…
parties and four DEJEUNERS that season； she never asked
us to one； and that she cut us dead at the Opera； though
Betsy was nodding to her the whole night？ We wrote to
her for tickets for Almack's； she writes to say that all
hers were promised； and said； in the presence of Wiggins；
her lady's…maid； who told it to Diggs； my wife's woman；
that she couldn't conceive how people in our station of
life could so far forget themselves as to wish to appear
in any such place！ Go to Castle Carabas！ I'd sooner die
than set my foot in the house of that impertinent；
insolvent； insolent jackanapes and I hold him in
scorn！' After this； Ponto gave me some private
information regarding Lord Carabas's pecuniary affairs；
how he owed money all over the county； how Jukes the
carpenter was utterly ruined and couldn't get a shilling
of his bill； how Biggs the butcher hanged himself for the
same reason； how the six big footmen never received a
guinea of wages； and Snaffle； the state coachman；
actually took off his blown…glass wig of ceremony and
flung it at Lady Carabas's feet on the terrace before the
Castle； all which stories； as they are private； I do not
think proper to divulge。 But these details did not
stifle my desire to see the famous mansion of Castle
Carabas； nay； possibly excited my interest to know more
about that lordly house and its owners。
At the entrance of the park； there are a pair of great
gaunt mildewed lodgesmouldy Doric temples with black
chimney…pots； in the finest classic taste； and the gates
of course are surmounted by the CHATS BOTTES； the well…
known supporters of the Carabas family。 'Give the lodge…
keeper a shilling；' says Ponto； （who drove me near to it
in his four…wheeled cruelty…chaise）。 'I warrant it's the
first piece of ready money he has received for some time。
I don't know whether there was any foundation for this
sneer； but the gratuity was received with a curtsey； and
the gate opened for me to enter。 'Poor old porteress！'
says I； inwardly。 'You little know that it is the
Historian of Snobs whom you let in！' The gates were