the book of snobs- 第22部分

and　listened　with　my　mouth　open　to　this　wonderful

display；　my　CAFFY　grew　cold；　and　I　wondered　the　windows

did　not　crack　and　the　chandelier　start　out　of　the　beam　at

the　sound　of　this　earthquake　of　a　piece　of　music。



'Glorious　creature！　　Isn't　she？'　said　Mrs。　Ponto。

'Squirtz's　favourite　pupilinestimable　to　have　such　a

creature。　　Lady　Carabas　would　give　her　eyes　for　her！　　A

prodigy　of　accomplishments！　　Thank　you；　Miss　Wirt'and

the　young　ladies　gave　a　heave　and　a　gasp　of　admirationa

deep…breathing　gushing　sound；　such　as　you　hear　at　church

when　the　sermon　comes　to　a　full　stop。



Miss　Wirt　put　her　two　great　double…knuckled　hands　round　a

waist　of　her　two　pupils；　and　said；　'My　dear　children；　I

hope　you　will　be　able　to　play　it　soon　as　well　as　your

poor　little　governess。　　When　I　lived　with　the　Dunsinanes；

it　was　the　dear　Duchess's　favourite；　and　Lady　Barbara　and

Lady　Jane　McBeth　learned　it。　　It　was　while　hearing　Jane

play　that；　I　remember；　that　dear　Lord　Castletoddy　first

fell　in　love　with　her；　and　though　he　is　but　an　Irish

Peer；　with　not　more　than　fifteen　thousand　a　year；　I

persuaded　Jane　to　have　him。　　Do　you　know　Castletoddy；　Mr。

Snob？round　towerssweet　place…County　Mayo。　　Old　Lord

Castletoddy　（the　present　Lord　was　then　Lord　Inishowan）

was　a　most　eccentric　old　manthey　say　he　was　mad。　　I

heard　his　Royal　Highness　the　poor　dear　Duke　of　Sussex

（SUCH　a　man；　my　dears；　but　alas！　addicted　to　smoking！）I

heard　his　Royal　Highness　say　to　the　Marquis　of　Anglesey；

〃I　am　sure　Castletoddy　is　mad！〃　but　Inishowan　wasn't　in

marrying　my　sweet　Jane；　though　the　dear　child　had　but　her

ten　thousand　pounds　POUR　TOUT　POTAGE！'



'Most　invaluable　person；'　whispered　Mrs。　Major　Ponto　to

me。　　'Has　lived　in　the　very　highest　society：'　and　I；　who

have　been　accustomed　to　see　governesses　bullied　in　the

world；　was　delighted　to　find　this　one　ruling　the　roast；

and　to　think　that　even　the　majestic　Mrs。　Ponto　bent

before　her。



As　for　my　pipe；　so　to　speak；　it　went　out　at　once。　　I

hadn't　a　word　to　say　against　a　woman　who　was　intimate

with　every　Duchess　in　the　Red　Book。　　She　wasn't　the

rosebud；　but　she　had　been　near　it。　　She　had　rubbed

shoulders　with　the　great；　and　about　these　we　talked　all

the　evening　incessantly；　and　about　the　fashions；　and

about　the　Court；　until　bed…time　came。



'And　are　there　Snobs　in　this　Elysium？'　I　exclaimed；

jumping　into　the　lavender…perfumed　bed。　　Ponto's　snoring

boomed　from　the　neighbouring　bed…room　in　reply。







CHAPTER　XXVI



ON　SOME　COUNTRY　SNOBS



Something　like　a　journal　of　the　proceedings　at　the

Evergreens　may　be　interesting　to　those　foreign　readers　of

PUNCH　who　want　to　know　the　customs　of　an　English

gentleman's　family　and　household。　　There's　plenty　of　time

to　keep　the　Journal。　　Piano…strumming　begins　at　six

o'clock　in　the　morning；　it　lasts　till　breakfast；　with　but

a　minute's　intermission；　when　the　instrument　changes

hands；　and　Miss　Emily　practises　in　place　of　her　sister

Miss　Maria。



In　fact；　the　confounded　instrument　never　stops　when　the

young　ladies　are　at　their　lessons；　Miss　Wirt　hammers　away

at　those　stunning　variations；　and　keeps　her　magnificent

finger　in　exercise。



I　asked　this　great　creature　in　what　other　branches　of

education　she　instructed　her　pupils？　　'The　modern

languages；'　says　she　modestly：　'French；　German；　Spanish；

and　Italian；　Latin　and　the　rudiments　of　Greek　if　desired。

English　of　course；　the　practice　of　Elocution；　Geography；

and　Astronomy；　and　the　Use　of　the　Globes；　Algebra　（but

only　as　far　as　quadratic　equations）；　for　a　poor　ignorant

female；　you　know；　Mr。　Snob；　cannot　be　expected　to　know

everything。　　Ancient　and　Modern　History　no　young　woman

can　be　without；　and　of　these　I　make　my　beloved　pupils

PERFECT　MISTRESSES。　　Botany；　Geology；　and　Mineralogy；　I

consider　as　amusements。　　And　with　these　I　assure　you　we

manage　to　pass　the　days　at　the　Evergreens　not

unpleasantly。'



Only　these；　thought　Iwhat　an　education！　　But　I　looked

in　one　of　Miss　Ponto's　manuscript　song…books　and　found

five　faults　of　French　in　four　words；　and　in　a　waggish

mood　asking　Miss　Wirt　whether　Dante　Algiery　was　so　called

because　he　was　born　at　Algiers；　received　a　smiling　answer

in　the　affirmative；　which　made　me　rather　doubt　about　the

accuracy　of　Miss　Wirt's　knowledge。



When　the　above　little　morning　occupations　are　concluded；

these　unfortunate　young　women　perform　what　they　call

Calisthenic　Exercises　in　the　garden。　　I　saw　them　to…day；

without　any　crinoline；　pulling　the　garden…roller。



Dear　Mrs。　Ponto　was　in　the　garden　too；　and　as　limp　as　her

daughters；　in　a　faded　bandeau　of　hair；　in　a　battered

bonnet；　in　a　holland　pinafore；　in　pattens；　on　a　broken

chair；　snipping　leaves　off　a　vine。　　Mrs。　Ponto　measures

many　yards　about　in　an　evening。　　Ye　heavens！　what　a　guy

she　is　in　that　skeleton　morning…costume！



Besides　Stripes；　they　keep　a　boy　called　Thomas　or　Tummus。

Tummus　works　in　the　garden　or　about　the　pigsty　and

stable；　Thomas　wears　a　page's　costume　of　eruptive

buttons。



When　anybody　calls；　and　Stripes　is　out　of　the　way；　Tummus

flings　himself　like　mad　into　Thomas's　clothes；　and　comes

out　metamorphosed　like　Harlequin　in　the　pantomime。　　To…

day；　as　Mrs。　P。　was　cutting　the　grapevine；　as　the　young

ladies　were　at　the　roller；　down　comes　Tummus　like　a

roaring　whirlwind；　with　'Missus；　Missus；　there's　company

coomin'！'　　Away　skurry　the　young　ladies　from　the　roller；

down　comes　Mrs。　P。　from　the　old　chair；　off　flies　Tummus

to　change　his　clothes；　and　in　an　incredibly　short　space

of　time　Sir　John　Hawbuck；　my　Lady　Hawbuck；　and　Master

Hugh　Hawbuck　are　introduced　into　the　garden　with　brazen

effrontery　by　Thomas；　who　says；　'Please　Sir　Jan　and　my

Lady　to　walk　this　year　way：　I　KNOW　Missus　is　in　the　rose…

garden。'



And　there；　sure　enough；　she　was！



In　a　pretty　little　garden　bonnet；　with　beautiful　curling

ringlets；　with　the　smartest　of　aprons　and　the　freshest　of

pearl…coloured　gloves；　this　amazing　woman　was　in　the　arms

of　her　dearest　Lady　Hawbuck。　　'Dearest　Lady　Hawbuck；　how

good　of　you！　　Always　among　my　flowers！　can't　live　away

from　them！'



'Sweets　to　the　sweet！　huma…hahaw！'　says　Sir　John

Hawbuck；　who　piques　himself　on　his　gallantry；　and　says

nothing　without　'a…huma…haa…haw！'



'Whereth　yaw　pinnafaw？'　cries　Master　Hugh。　　'WE　thaw　you

in　it；　over　the　wall；　didn't　we；　Pa？'



'Huma…haa…haw！'　burst　out　Sir　John；　dreadfully

alarmed。　　'Where's　Ponto？　　Why　wasn't　he　at　Quarter

Sessions？　　How　are　his　birds　this　year；　Mrs。　Pontohave

those　Carabas　pheasants　done　any　harm　to　your　wheat？　a…

huma…haa…haw！'　and　all　this　while　he　was　making　the

most　ferocious　and　desperate　signals　to　his　youthful

heir。



'Well；　she　WATH　in　her　pinnafaw；　wathn't　she；　Ma？'　says

Hugh；　quite　unabashed；　which　question　Lady　Hawbuck　turned

away　with　a　sudden　query　regarding　her　dear　darling

daughters；　and　the　ENFANT　TERRIBLE　was　removed　by　his

father。



'I　hope　you　weren't　disturbed　by　the　music？'　Ponto　says。

'My　girls；　you　know；　practise　four　hours　a　day；　you　know…

…must　do　it；　you　knowabsolutely　necessary。　　As　for　me；

you　know　I'm　an　early　man；　and　in　my　farm　every　morning

at　fiveno；　no　laziness　for　ME。'



The　facts　are　these。　　Ponto　goes　to　sleep　directly　after

dinner　on　entering　the　drawing…room；　and　wakes　up　when

the　ladies　leave　off　practice　at　ten。　　From　seven　till

ten；　from　ten　till　five；　is　a　very　fair　allowance　of

slumber　for　a　man　who　says　he's　NOT　a　lazy　man。　　It　is　my

private　opinion　that　when　Ponto　retires　to　what　is　called

his　'Study；'　he　sleeps　too。　　He　locks　himself　up　there

daily　two　hours　with　the　newspaper。



I　saw　the　HAWBUCK　scene　out　of　the　Study；　which　commands

the　garden。　　It's　a　curious　object；　that　Study。　　Ponto's

library　mostly　consists　of　boots。　　He　and　Stripes　have

important　interviews　here　of　mornings；　when　the　potatoes

are　discussed；　or　the　fate　of　the　calf　ordained；　or

sentence　passed　on　the　pig；　&c。。　　All　the　Major's　bills

are　docketed　on　the　Study　table　and　displayed　like　a

lawyer's　briefs。　　Here；　too；　lie　displayed　his　hooks；

knives；　and　other　gardening　irons；　his　whistles；　and

strings　of　spare　buttons。　　He　has　a　drawer　of　endless

brown　paper　for　parcels；　and　another　containing　a

prodigious　and　never…failing　supply　of　string。　　What　a

man　can　want　with　so　many　gig…whips　I　can　never　conceive。

These；　and　fishing…rods；　and　landing…nets；　and　spurs；　and

boot…trees；　and　balls　for　horses；　and　surgical　implements

for　the　same；　and　favourite　pots　of　shiny　blacking；　with

which　he　paints　his　own　shoes　in　the　most　elegant　manner；

and　buckskin　gloves　stretched　out　on　their　trees；　and　his

gorget；　sash；　and　sabre　of　the　Horse　Marines；　with　his

boot…hooks　underneath　in　atrophy；　and　the　family

medicine…chest；　and　in　a　corner　the　very　rod　with　which

he　used　to　whip　his　son；　Wellesley　Ponto；　when　a　boy

（Wellesley　never　entered　the　'Study'　but　for　that　awful

purpose）all　these；　with　'Mogg's　Road　Book；'　the

GARDENERS'　CHRONICLE；　and　a　backgammon…board；　form　the

Major's　library。　　Under　the　trophy　there's　a　picture　of

Mrs。　Ponto；　in　a　light　blue　dress　and　train；　and　no

waist；　when　she　was　first　married；　a　fox's　brush　lies

over　the　frame；　and　serves　to　keep　the　dust　off　that　work

of　art。



'My　library's　small；　says　Ponto；　with　the　most　amazing

impudence；　'but　well　selected；　my　boywell　selected。　　I

have　been　reading　the　〃History　of　England〃　all　the

morning。'







CHAPTER　XXVII



A　VISIT　TO　SOME　COUNTRY　SNOBS



We　had　the　fish；　which；　as　the　kind　reader　may　remember；

I　had　brought　down　in　a　delicate　attention　to　Mrs。　Ponto；

to　variegate　the　repast　of　next　day；　and　cod　and　oyster…

sauce；　twice　laid；　salt　cod　and　scolloped　oysters；　formed

parts　of　the　bill　of　fare　until　I　began　to　fancy　that　the

Ponto　family；　like　our　late　revered　monarch　George　II。；

had　a　fancy　for　stale　fish。　　And　about　this　time；　the　pig