the book of snobs- 第31部分

that　time；　must　have　been　making　a　thousand　pounds　a

year？　　Well；　Shirker　was　just　as　proud　of　his　prudence

just　as　thankful　for　his　own　meanness；　and　of　course

would　not　marry　without　a　competency。　　Who　so　honourable？

Polly　waited；　and　waited　faintly；　from　year　to　year。　　HE

wasn't　sick　at　heart；　HIS　passion　never　disturbed　his　six

hours'　sleep；　or　kept　his　ambition　out　of　mind。　　He　would

rather　have　hugged　an　attorney　any　day　than　have　kissed

Polly；　though　she　was　one　of　the　prettiest　creatures　in

the　world；　and　while　she　was　pining　alone　upstairs；

reading　over　the　stock　of　half…a…dozen　frigid　letters

that　the　confounded　prig　had　condescended　to　write　to

her；　HE；　be　sure；　was　never　busy　with　anything　but　his

briefs　in　chambersalways　frigid；　rigid；　self…satisfied；

and　at　his　duty。　　The　marriage　trailed　on　year　after

year；　while　Mr。　Serjeant　Shirker　grew　to　be　the　famous

lawyer　he　is。



'Meanwhile；　my　younger　brother；　Pump　Temple；　who　was　in

the　120th　Hussars；　and　had　the　same　little　patrimony

which　fell　to　the　lot　of　myself　and　Polly；　must　fall　in

love　with　our　cousin；　Fanny　Figtree；　and　marry　her　out　of

hand。　　You　should　have　seen　the　wedding！　　Six　bridesmaids

in　pink；　to　hold　the　fan；　bouquet；　gloves；　scent…bottle；

and　pocket…handkerchief　of　the　bride；　basketfuls　of　white

favours　in　the　vestry；　to　be　pinned　on　to　the　footmen　and

horses；　a　genteel　congregation　of　curious　acquaintance　in

the　pews；　a　shabby　one　of　poor　on　the　steps；　all　the

carriages　of　all　our　acquaintance；　whom　Aunt　Figtree　had

levied　for　the　occasion；　and　of　course　four　horses　for

Mr。　Pump's　bridal　vehicle。



'Then　comes　the　breakfast；　or　DEJEUNER；　if　you　please；

with　a　brass　band　in　the　street；　and　policemen　to　keep

order。　　The　happy　bridegroom　spends　about　a　year's　income

in　dresses　for　the　bridesmaids　and　pretty　presents；　and

the　bride　must　have　a　TROUSSEAU　of　laces；　satins；　jewel…

boxes　and　tomfoolery；　to　make　her　fit　to　be　a

lieutenant's　wife。　　There　was　no　hesitation　about　Pump。

He　flung　about　his　money　as　if　it　had　been　dross；　and

Mrs。　P。　Temple；　on　the　horse　Tom　Tiddler；　which　her

husband　gave　her；　was　the　most　dashing　of　military　women

at　Brighton　or　Dublin。



How　old　Mrs。　Figtree　used　to　bore　me　and　Polly　with

stories　of　Pump's　grandeur　and　the　noble　company　he　kept！

Polly　lives　with　the　Figtrees；　as　I　am　not　rich　enough　to

keep　a　home　for　her。



'Pump　and　I　have　always　been　rather　distant。　　Not　having

the　slightest　notions　about　horseflesh；　he　has　a　natural

contempt　for　me；　and　in　our　mother's　lifetime；　when　the

good　old　lady　was　always　paying　his　debts　and　petting

him；　I'm　not　sure　there　was　not　a　little　jealousy。　　It

used　to　be　Polly　that　kept　the　peace　between　us。



'She　went　to　Dublin　to　visit　Pump；　and　brought　back　grand

accounts　of　his　doingsgayest　man　about　townAide…de…

Camp　to　the　Lord…LieutenantFanny　admired　everywhere

Her　Excellency　godmother　to　the　second　boy：　the　eldest

with　a　string　of　aristocratic　Christian…names　that　made

the　grandmother　wild　with　delight。　　Presently　Fanny　and

Pump　obligingly　came　to　London；　where　the　third　was　born。



'Polly　was　godmother　to　this；　and　who　so　loving　as　she

and　Pump　now？　　〃Oh；　Essex；〃　says　she　to　me；　〃he　is　so

good；　so　generous；　so　fond　of　his　family；　so

handsome；　who　can　help　loving　him；　and　pardoning　his

little　errors？〃　　One　day；　while　Mrs。　Pump　was　yet　in　the

upper　regions；　and　Doctor　Fingerfee's　brougham

at　her　door　every　day；　having　business　at　Guildhall；　whom

should　I　meet　in　Cheapside　but　Pump　and　Polly？　　The　poor

girl　looked　more　happy　and　rosy

than　I　have　seen　her　these　twelve　years。　　Pump；　on　the

contrary；　was　rather　blushing　and　embarrassed。



'I　couldn't　be　mistaken　in　her　face　and　its　look　of

mischief　and　triumph。　　She　had　been　committing　some　act

of　sacrifice。　　I　went　to　the　family　stockbroker。　　She　had

sold　out　two　thousand　pounds　that　morning　and　given　them

to　Pump。　　Quarrelling　was　uselessPump　had　the　money；　he

was　off　to　Dublin　by　the　time　I　reached　his　mother's；　and

Polly　radiant　still。　　He　was　going　to　make　his　fortune；

he　was　going　to　embark　the　money　in　the　Bog　of　AllenI

don't　know　what。　　The　fact　is；　he　was　going　to　pay　his

losses　upon　the　last　Manchester　steeple…chase；　and　I

leave　you　to　imagine　how　much　principal　or　interest　poor

Polly　ever　saw　back　again。



'It　was　more　than　half　her　fortune；　and　he　has　had

another　thousand　since　from　her。　　Then　came　efforts　to

stave　off　ruin　and　prevent　exposure；　struggles　on　all　our

parts；　and　sacrifices；　that'　（here　Mr。　Essex　Temple　began

to　hesitate）'that　needn't　be　talked　of；　but　they　are　of

no　more　use　than　such　sacrifices　ever　are。　　Pump　and　his

wife　are　abroadI　don't　like　to　ask　where；　Polly　has　the

three　children；　and　Mr。　Serjeant　Shirker　has　formally

written　to　break　off　an　engagement；　on　the　conclusion　of

which　Miss　Temple　must　herself　have　speculated；　when　she

alienated　the　greater　part　of　her　fortune。



'And　here's　your　famous　theory　of　poor　marriages！'　Essex

Temple　cries；　concluding　the　above　history。　　'How　do　you

know　that　I　don't　want　to　marry　myself？　　How　do　you　dare

sneer　at　my　poor　sister？　　What　are　we　but　martyrs　of　the

reckless　marriage　system　which　Mr。　Snob；　forsooth；

chooses　to　advocate？'　　And　he　thought　he　had　the　better

of　the　argument；　which；　strange　to　say；　is　not　my

opinion。



But　for　the　infernal　Snob…worship；　might　not　every　one　of

these　people　be　happy？　　If　poor　Polly's　happiness　lay　in

linking　her　tender　arms　round　such　a　heartless　prig　as

the　sneak　who　has　deceived　her；　she　might　have　been　happy

nowas　happy　as　Raymond　Raymond　in　the　ballad；　with　the

stone　statue　by　his　side。　　She　is　wretched　because　Mr。

Serjeant　Shirker　worships　money　and　ambition；　and　is　a

Snob　and　a　coward。



If　the　unfortunate　Pump　Temple　and　his　giddy　hussy　of　a

wife　have　ruined　themselves；　and　dragged　down　others　into

their　calamity；　it　is　because　they　loved　rank；　and

horses；　and　plate；　and　carriages；　and　COURT　GUIDES；　and

millinery；　and　would　sacrifice　all　to　attain　those

objects。



And　who　misguides　them？　　If　the　world　were　more　simple；

would　not　those　foolish　people　follow　the　fashion？　　Does

not　the　world　love　COURT　GUIDES；　and　millinery；　and

plate；　and　carriages？　　Mercy　on　us！　　Read　the　fashionable

intelligence；　read　the　COURT　CIRCULAR；　read　the　genteel

novels；　survey　mankind；　from　Pimlico　to　Red　Lion　Square；

and　see　how　the　Poor　Snob　is　aping　the　Rich　Snob；　how　the

Mean　Snob　is　grovelling　at　the　feet　of　the　Proud　Snob；

and　the　Great　Snob　is　lording　it　over　his　humble　brother。

Does　the　idea　of　equality　ever　enter　Dives'　head？　　Will

it　ever？　　Will　the　Duchess　of　Fitzbattleaxe　（I　like　a

good　name）　ever　believe　that　Lady　Croesus；　her　next…door

neighbour　in　Belgrave　Square；　is　as　good　a　lady　as　her

Grace？　　Will　Lady　Croesus　ever　leave　off　pining　the

Duchess's　parties；　and　cease　patronizing　Mrs。　Broadcloth

whose　husband　has　not　got　his　Baronetcy　yet？　　Will　Mrs。

Broadcloth　ever　heartily　shake　hands　with　Mrs。　Seedy；　and

give　up　those　odious　calculations　about　poor　dear　Mrs。

Seedy's　income？　　Will　Mrs。　Seedy　who　is　starving　in　her

great　house；　go　and　live　comfortably　in　a　little　one；　or

in　lodgings？　　Will　her　landlady；　Miss　Letsam；　ever　stop

wondering　at　the　familiarity　of　tradespeople；　or　rebuking

the　insolence　of　Suky；　the　maid；　who　wears　flowers　under

her　bonnet　like　a　lady？



But　why　hope；　why　wish　for　such　times？　　Do　I　wish　all

Snobs　to　perish？　　Do　I　wish　these　Snob　papers　to

determine？　　Suicidal　fool；　art　not　thou；　too；　a　Snob　and

a　brother？







CHAPTER　XXXVII



CLUB　SNOBS



As　I　wish　to　be　particularly　agreeable　to　the　ladies　（to

whom　I　make　my　most　humble　obeisance）；　we　will　now；　if

you　please；　commence　maligning　a　class　of　Snobs　against

whom；　I　believe；　most　female　minds　are　embitteredI　mean

Club　Snobs。　　I　have　very　seldom　heard　even　the　most

gentle　and　placable　woman　speak　without　a　little　feeling

of　bitterness　against　those　social　institutions；　those

palaces　swaggering　in　St。　James's；　which　are　open　to　the

men；　while　the　ladies　have　but　their　dingy　three…windowed

brick　boxes　in　Belgravia　or　in　Paddingtonia；　or　in　the

region　between　the　road　of　Edgware　and　that　of　Gray's

Inn。



In　my　grandfather's　time　it　used　to　be　Freemasonry　that

roused　their　anger。　　It　was　my　grand…aunt　（whose　portrait

we　still　have　in　the　family）　who　got　into　the　clock…case

at　the　Royal　Rosicrucian　Lodge　at　Bungay；　Suffolk；　to　spy

the　proceedings　of　the　Society；　of　which　her　husband　was

a　member；　and　being　frightened　by　the　sudden　whirring　and

striking　eleven　of　the　clock　（just　as　the　Deputy…Grand…

Master　was　bringing　in　the　mystic　gridiron　for　the

reception　of　a　neophyte）；　rushed　out　into　the　midst　of

the　lodge　assembled；　and　was　elected；　by　a　desperate

unanimity；　Deputy…Grand…Mistress　for　life。　　Though　that

admirable　and　courageous　female　never　subsequently

breathed　a　word　with　regard　to　the　secrets　of　the

initiation；　yet　she　inspired　all　our　family　with　such　a

terror　regarding　the　mysteries　of　Jachin　and　Boaz；　that

none　of　our　family　have　ever　since　joined　the　Society；　or

worn　the　dreadful　Masonic　insignia。



It　is　known　that　Orpheus　was　torn　to　pieces　by　some

justly　indignant　Thracian　ladies　for　belonging　to　an

Harmonic　Lodge。　　'Let　him　go　back　to　Eurydice；'　they

said；　'whom　he　is　pretending　to　regret　so。'　　But　the

history　is　given　in　Dr。　Lempriere's　elegant　dictionary　in

a　manner　much　more　forcible　than　any

this　feeble　pen　can　attempt。　　At　once；　then；　and　without

verbiage；　let　us　take　up　this　subject…matter　of　Clubs。



Clubs　ought　not；　in　my　mind；　to　be　permitted　to

bachelors。　　If　my　friend　of　the　Cuttykilts　had　not　our

club；　the　'Union　Jack；'　to　go　to　（I　belong　to　the　'U。J。

and　nine　other　similar　institutions）；　who　knows　but　he

never　would　be　a　bachelor　at　this　present　moment？

I