the book of snobs- 第36部分

the　〃Oval？〃　　Mr。　Snob；　sir；　the　mutton's　coming　off　the

spit　at　this　very　minute。　　Laura　and　Mrs。　Chuff'　（he　said

LAURAR　and　Mrs。　Chuff；　but　I　hate　people　who　make　remarks

on　these　peculiarities　of　pronunciation；）　'will　be　most

happy　to　see　you；　and　I　can　promise　you　a　hearty　welcome；

and　as　good　a　glass　of　port…wine　as　any　in　England。'



'This　is　better　than　dining　at　the　〃Sarcophagus；〃'　thinks

I　to　myself；　at　which　Club　Wagley　and　I　had　intended　to

take　our　meal；　and　so　we　accepted　the　kindly　invitation；

whence　arose　afterwards　a　considerable　intimacy。



Everything　about　this　family　and　house　was　so　good…

natured；　comfortable；　and　well…conditioned；　that　a　cynic

would　have　ceased　to　growl　there。　　Mrs。　Laura　was　all

graciousness　and　smiles；　and　looked　to　as　great　advantage

in　her　pretty　morning…gown　as　in　her　dress…robe　at　Mrs。

Perkins's。　　Mrs。　Chuff　fired　off　her　stories　about　the

'Nebuchadnezzar；'　74；　the　action　between　the　'Pitchfork'

and　the　'Furibonde'the　heroic　resistance　of　Captain

Choufleur；　and　the　quantity　of　snuff　he　took；　&c。　&c。；

which；　as　they　were　heard　for　the　first　time；　were

pleasanter　than　I　have　subsequently　found　them。

Sackville　Maine　was　the　best　of　hosts。　　He　agreed　in

everything　everybody　said；　altering　his　opinions　without

the　slightest　reservation　upon　the　slightest　possible

contradiction。　　He　was　not　one　of　those　beings　who　would

emulate　a　Schonbein　or　Friar　Bacon；　or　act　the　part　of　an

incendiary　towards　the　Thames；　his　neighbourbut　a　good；

kind；　simple；　honest；　easy　fellowin　love　with　his　wife…

…well　disposed　to　all　the　worldcontent　with　himself；

content　even　with　his　mother…in…law。　　Nelson　Collingwood；

I　remember；　in　the　course　of　the　evening；　when　whisky…

and…water　was　for　some　reason　produced；　grew　a　little

tipsy。　　This　did　not　in　the　least　move　Sackville's

equanimity。　　'Take　him　upstairs；　Joseph；'　said　he　to　the

hobbadehoy；　'andJosephdon't　tell　his　mamma。'



What　could　make　a　man　so　happily　disposed；　unhappy？　　What

could　cause　discomfort；　bickering；　and　estrangement　in　a

family　so　friendly　and　united？　　Ladies；　it　was　not　my

faultit　was　Mrs。　Chuff's　doingbut　the　rest　of　the

tale　you　shall　have　on　a　future　day。







CHAPTER　XLIII



CLUB　SNOBS



The　misfortune　which　befell　the　simple　and　good…natured

young　Sackville；　arose　entirely　from　that　abominable

'Sarcophagus　Club；'　and　that　he　ever　entered　it　was

partly　the　fault　of　the　present　writer。



For　seeing　Mrs。　Chuff；　his　mother…in…law；　had　a　taste　for

the　genteel（indeed；　her　talk　was　all　about　Lord

Collingwood；　Lord　Gambier；　Sir　Jahaleel　Brenton；　and　the

Gosport　and　Plymouth　balls）Wagley　and　I；　according　to

our　wont；　trumped　her　conversation；　and　talked　about

Lords；　Dukes；　Marquises；　and　Baronets；　as　if　those

dignitaries　were　our　familiar　friends。



'Lord　Sextonbury；'　says　I；　'seems　to　have　recovered　her

ladyship's　death。　　He　and　the　Duke　were　very　jolly　over

their　wine　at　the　〃Sarcophagus〃　last　night；　weren't　they；

Wagley？'



'Good　fellow；　the　Duke；'　Wagley　replied。　　'Pray；　ma'am'

（to　Mrs。　Chuff）；　'you　who　know　the　world　and　etiquette；

will　you　tell　me　what　a　man　ought　to　do　in　my　case？　　Last

June；　his　Grace；　his　son　Lord　Castlerampant；　Tom　Smith；

and　myself　were　dining　at　the　Club；　when　I　offered　the

odds　against　DADDYLONGLEGS　for　the　Derbyforty　to　one；

in　sovereigns　only。　　His　Grace　took　the　bet；　and　of

course　I　won。　He　has　never　paid　me。　Now；　can　I　ask　such　a

great　man　for　a　sovereign？One　more　lump　of　sugar；　if

you　please；　my　dear　madam。'



It　was　lucky　Wagley　gave　her　this　opportunity　to　elude

the　question；　for　it　prostrated　the　whole　worthy　family

among　whom　we　were。　　They　telegraphed　each　other　with

wondering　eyes。　　Mrs。　Chuff's　stories　about　the　naval

nobility　grew　quite　faint　and　kind　little　Mrs。　Sackville

became　uneasy；　and　went　upstairs　to　look　at　the　children…

…not　at　that　young　monster；　Nelson　Collingwood；　who　was

sleeping　off　the　whisky…and…waterbut　at　a　couple　of

little　ones　who　had　made　their　appearance　at　dessert；　and

of　whom　she　and　Sackville　were　the　happy　parents。



The　end　of　this　and　subsequent　meetings　with　Mr。　Maine

was；　that　we　proposed　and　got　him　elected　as　a　member　of

the　'Sarcophagus　Club。'



It　was　not　done　without　a　deal　of　oppositionthe　secret

having　been　whispered　that　the　candidate　was　a　coal…

merchant。　　You　may　be　sure　some　of　the　proud　people　and

most　of　the　parvenus　of　the　Club　were　ready　to　blackball

him。　　We　combated　this　opposition　sucessfully；　however。

We　pointed　out　to　the　parvenus　that　the　Lambtons　and　the

Stuarts　sold　coals：　we　mollified　the　proud　by　accounts　of

his　good　birth；　good　nature；　and　good　behaviour；　and

Wagley　went　about　on　the　day　of　election；　describing　with

great　eloquence；　the　action　between　the　'Pitchfork'　and

the　'Furibonde；'　and　the　valour　of　Captain　Maine；　our

friend's　father。　　There　was　a　slight　mistake　in　the

narrative；　but　we　carried　our　man；　with　only　a　trifling

sprinkling　of　black　beans　in　the　boxes：　Byles's；　of

course；　who　blackballs　everybody：　and　Bung's；　who　looks

down　upon　a　coal…merchant；　having　himself　lately　retired

from　the　wine…trade。



Some　fortnight　afterwards　I　saw　Sackville　Maine　under　the

following　circumstances：



He　was　showing　the　Club　to　his　family。　　He　had　'brought

them　thither　in　the　light…blue　fly；　waiting　at　the　Club

door；　with　Mrs。　Chuff's　hobbadehoy　footboy　on　the　box；　by

the　side　of　the　flyman；　in　a　sham　livery。　　Nelson

Collingwood；　pretty　Mrs。　Sackville；　Mrs。　Captain　Chuff

（Mrs。　Commodore　Chuff　we　call　her）；　were　all　there；　the

latter；　of　course；　in　the　vermilion　tabinet；　which；

splendid　as　it　is；　is　nothing　in　comparison　to　the

splendour　of　the　'Sarcophagus。'　　The　delighted　Sackville

Maine　was　pointing　out　the　beauties　of　the　place　to　them。

It　seemed　as　beautiful　as　Paradise　to　that　little　party。



The　'Sarcophagus'　displays　every　known　variety　of

architecture　and　decoration。　　The　great　library　is

Elizabethan；　the　small　library　is　pointed　Gothic；　the

dining…room　is　severe　Doric；　the　strangers'　room　has　an

Egyptian　look；　the　drawing…rooms　are　Louis　Quatorze　（so

called　because　the　hideous　ornanents　displayed　were　used

in　the　time　of　Louis　Quinze）；　the　CORTILE；　or　hall；　is

Morisco…Italian。　　It　is　all　over　marble；　maplewood；

looking…glasses；　arabesques；　ormolu；　and　scagliola。

Scrolls；　ciphers；　dragons；　Cupids；　polyanthuses；　and

other　flowers　writhe　up　the　walls　in　every　kind　of

cornucopiosity。　　Fancy　every　gentleman　in　Jullien's　band

playing　with　all　his　might；　and　each　performing　a

different　tune；　the　ornaments　at　our　Club；　the

'Sarcophagus；'　so　bewilder　and　affect　me。　　Dazzled　with

emotions　which　I　cannot　describe；　and　which　she　dared　not

reveal；　Mrs。　Chuff；　followed　by　her　children　and　son…in…

law；　walked　wondering　amonst　these　blundering　splendours。



In　the　great　library　（225　feet　long　by　150）　the　only　man

Mrs。　Chuff　saw；　was　Tiggs。　　He　was　lying　on　a　crimson…

velvet　sofa；　reading　a　French　novel　of　Paul　de　Kock。　　It

was　a　very　little　book。　　He　is　a　very　little　man。　　In

that　enormous　hall　he　looked　like　a　mere　speck。　　As　the

ladies　passed　breathless　and　trembling　in　the　vastness　of

the　magnificent　solitude；　he　threw　a　knowing；　killing

glance　at　the　fair　strangers；　as　much　as　to　say；　'Ain't　I

a　fine　fellow？'　　They　thought　so；　I　am　sure。



'WHO　IS　THAT？；'　hisses　out　Mrs。　Chuff；　when　we　were　about

fifty　yards　off　him　at　the　other　end　of　the　room。



'Tiggs！'　says　I；　in　a　similar　whisper。



'Pretty　comfortable　this；　isn't　it；　my　dear？'　says　Maine

in　a　free…and…easy　way　to　Mrs。　Sackville；　all　the

magazines；　you　seewriting　materialsnew　workschoice

library；　containing　every　work　of　importancewhat　have

we　here？〃Dugdale's　Monasticon；'　a　most　valuable　and；　I

believe；　entertaining　book。'



And　proposing　to　take　down　one　of　the　books　for　Mrs。

Maine's　inspection；　he　selected　Volume　VII。；　to　which　he

was　attracted　by　the　singular　fact　that　a　brass　door…

handle　grew　out　of　the　back。　　Instead　of　pulling　out　a

book；　however；　he　pulled　open　a　cupboard；　only　inhabited

by　a　lazy　housemaid's　broom　and　duster；　at　which　he

looked　exceedingly　discomfited　；　while　Nelson

Collingwood；　losing　all　respect；　burst　into　a　roar　of

laughter。



'That's　the　rummest　book　I　ever　saw；'　says　Nelson。　　'I

wish　we'd　no　others　at　Merchant　Taylors'。'



'Hush；　Nelson！'　cries　Mrs。　Chuff；　and　we　went　into　the

other　magnificent　apartments。



How　they　did　admire　the　drawing…room　hangings；　（pink　and

silver　brocade；　most　excellent　wear　for　London；）　and

calculated　the　price　per　yard；　and　revelled　on　the

luxurious　sofas；　and　gazed　on　the　immeasurable　looking…

glasses。



'Pretty　well　to　shave　by；　eh？'　says　Maine　to　his　mother…

in…law。　　（He　was　getting　more　abominably　conceited　every

minute。）　　'Get　away；　Sackville；'　says　she；　quite

delighted；　and　threw　a　glance　over　her　shoulder；　and

spread　out　the　wings　of　the　red　tabinet；　and　took　a　good

look　at　herself；　so　did　Mrs。　Sackvillejust　one；　and　I

thought　the　glass　reflected　a　very　smiling；　pretty

creature。



But　what's　a　woman　at　a　looking…glass？　　Bless　the　little

dears；　it's　their　place。　　They　fly　to　it　naturally。　　It

pleases　them；　and　they　adorn　it。　　What　I　like　to　see；　and

watch　with　increasing　joy　and　adoration；　is　the　Club　MEN

at　the　great　looking…glasses。　　Old　Gills　pushing　up　his

collars　and　grinning　at　his　own　mottled　face。　　Hulker

looking　solemnly　at　his　great　person；　and　tightening　his

coat　to　give　himself　a　waist。　　Fred　Minchin　simpering　by

as　he　is　going　out　to　dine；　and　casting　upon　the

reflection　of　his　white　neckcloth　a　pleased　moony　smile。

What　a　deal　of　vanity　that　Club　mirror　has　reflected；　to

be　sure！



Well；　the　ladies　went　through　the　whole　establishment

with　perfect　pleasure。　　They　beheld　the　coffee…rooms；　and

the　little　tables　laid　for　dinner；　and　the