in my duties； and left no stone unturned to pacify my conscience；
watching even against my thoughts； and praying continually
wherever I went： for I did not think there was any sin in my
conduct； when I was among carnal company； because I did not take
any satisfaction there； but only followed it； I thought； for
sufficient reasons。
〃But still； all that I did or could do； conscience would roar
night and day。〃
Saint Augustine and Alline both emerged into the smooth waters of
inner unity and peace； and I shall next ask you to consider more
closely some of the peculiarities of the process of unification；
when it occurs。 It may come gradually； or it may occur abruptly；
it may come through altered feelings； or through altered powers
of action； or it may come through new intellectual insights； or
through experiences which we shall later have to designate as
'mystical。' However it come； it brings a characteristic sort of
relief； and never such extreme relief as when it is cast into the
religious mould。 Happiness！ happiness！ religion is only one of
the ways in which men gain that gift。 Easily； permanently； and
successfully； it often transforms the most intolerable misery
into the profoundest and most enduring happiness。
But to find religion is only one out of many ways of reaching
unity； and the process of remedying inner incompleteness and
reducing inner discord is a general psychological process； which
may take place with any sort of mental material； and need not
necessarily assume the religious form。 In judging of the
religious types of regeneration which we are about to study； it
is important to recognize that they are only one species of a
genus that contains other types as well。 For example； the new
birth may be away from religion into incredulity； or it may be
from moral scrupulosity into freedom and license； or it may be
produced by the irruption into the individual's life of some new
stimulus or passion； such as love； ambition； cupidity； revenge；
or patriotic devotion。 In all these instances we have precisely
the same psychological form of event；a firmness； stability； and
equilibrium succeeding a period of storm and stress and
inconsistency。 In these non…religious cases the new man may also
be born either gradually or suddenly。
The French philosopher Jouffroy has left an eloquent memorial of
his own 〃counter…conversion；〃 as the transition from orthodoxy to
infidelity has been well styled by Mr。 Starbuck。 Jouffroy's
doubts had long harassed him； but he dates his final crisis from
a certain night when his disbelief grew fixed and stable； and
where the immediate result was sadness at the illusions he had
lost。
〃I shall never forget that night of December；〃 writes Jouffroy；
〃in which the veil that concealed from me my own incredulity was
torn。 I hear again my steps in that narrow naked chamber where
long after the hour of sleep had come I had the habit of walking
up and down。 I see again that moon； half…veiled by clouds；
which now and again illuminated the frigid window…panes。 The
hours of the night flowed on and I did not note their passage。
Anxiously I followed my thoughts； as from layer to layer they
descended towards the foundation of my consciousness； and；
scattering one by one all the illusions which until then had
screened its windings from my view； made them every moment more
clearly visible。
〃Vainly I clung to these last beliefs as a shipwrecked sailor
clings to the fragments of his vessel； vainly； frightened at the
unknown void in which I was about to float； I turned with them
towards my childhood； my family； my country； all that was dear
and sacred to me： the inflexible current of my thought was too
strongparents； family； memory； beliefs； it forced me to let go
of everything。 The investigation went on more obstinate and more
severe as it drew near its term； and did not stop until the end
was reached。 I knew then that in the depth of my mind nothing
was left that stood erect。
〃This moment was a frightful one； and when towards morning I
threw myself exhausted on my bed； I seemed to feel my earlier
life； so smiling and so full； go out like a fire； and before me
another life opened； sombre and unpeopled； where in future I must
live alone； alone with my fatal thought which had exiled me
thither； and which I was tempted to curse。 The days which
followed this discovery were the saddest of my life。〃＇93＇
＇93＇ Th。 Jouffroy： Nouveaux Melanges philosophiques； 2me
edition； p。 83。 I add two other cases of counter…conversion
dating from a certain moment。 The first is from Professor
Starbuck's manuscript collection； and the narrator is a woman。
〃Away down in the bottom of my heart； I believe I was always more
or less skeptical about 'God；' skepticism grew as an
undercurrent； all through my early youth； but it was controlled
and covered by the emotional elements in my religious growth。
When I was sixteen I joined the church and was asked if I loved
God。 I replied 'Yes；' as was customary and expected。 But
instantly with a flash something spoke within me； 'No； you do
not。' I was haunted for a long time with shame and remorse for
my falsehood and for my wickedness in not loving God； mingled
with fear that there might be an avenging God who would punish me
in some terrible way。 。 。 。 At nineteen； I had an attack of
tonsilitis。 Before I had quite recovered； I heard told a story
of a brute who had kicked his wife down…stairs； and then
continued the operation until she became insensible。 I felt the
horror of the thing keenly。 Instantly this thought flashed
through my mind： 'I have no use for a God who permits such
things。' This experience was followed by months of stoical
indifference to the God of my previous life； mingled with
feelings of positive dislike and a somewhat proud defiance of
him。 I still thought there might be a God。 If so he would
probably damn me； but I should have to stand it。 I felt very
little fear and no desire to propitiate him。 I have never had
any personal relations with him since this painful experience。〃
The second case exemplifies how small an additional stimulus will
overthrow the mind into a new state of equilibrium when the
process of preparation and incubation has proceeded far enough。
It is like the proverbial last straw added to the camel's burden；
or that touch of a needle which makes the salt in a
supersaturated fluid suddenly begin to crystallize out。
Tolstoy writes： 〃S。； a frank and intelligent man； told me as
follows how he ceased to believe：
〃He was twenty…six years old when one day on a hunting
expedition； the time for sleep having come； he set himself to
pray according to the custom he had held from childhood。
〃His brother； who was hunting with him； lay upon the hay and
looked at him。 When S。 had finished his prayer and was turning
to sleep； the brother said； 'Do you still keep up that thing？'
Nothing more was said。 But since that day； now more than thirty
years ago； S。 has never prayed again； he never takes communion；
and does not go to church。 All this； not because he became
acquainted with convictions of his brother which he then and
there adopted； not because he made any new resolution in his
soul； but merely because the words spoken by his brother were
like the light push of a finger against a leaning wall already
about to tumble by its own weight。 These words but showed him
that the place wherein he supposed religion dwelt in him had long
been empty； and that the sentences he uttered； the crosses and
bows which he made during his prayer； were actions with no inner
sense。 Having once seized their absurdity； he could no longer
keep them up。〃 Ma Confession； p。 8。
I subjoin an additional document which has come into my
possession； and which represents in a vivid way what is probably
a very frequent sort of conversion； if the opposite of 'falling
in love；' falling out of love； may be so termed。 Falling in love
also conforms frequently to this type； a latent process of
unconscious preparation often preceding a sudden awakening to the
fact that the mischief is irretrievably done。 The free and easy
tone in this narrative gives it a sincerity that speaks for
itself。
〃For two years of this time I went through a very bad experience；
which almost drove me mad。 I had fallen violently in love with a
girl who； young as she was； had a spirit of coquetry like a cat。
As I look back on her now； I hate her； and wonder how I could
ever have fallen so low as to be worked upon to such an extent by
her attractions。 Nevertheless； I fell into a regular fever；
could think of nothing else； whenever I was alone； I pictured her
attractions； and spent most of the time when I should have been
working； in recalling our previous interviews； and imagining
future conversations。 She was very pretty； good humored； and
jolly to the last degree； and intensely pleased with my
admiration。 Would give me no decided answer yes or no and the
queer thing about it was that whilst pursuing her for her hand； I
secretly knew all along that she was unfit to be a wife for me；
and that she never would say yes。 Although for a year we took
our