armadale- 第102部分

〃I　nestled　a　little　closer　to　him。

〃　'What　_is_　your　name？'　I　asked。

〃He　hesitated。

〃I　lifted　my　face　till　my　cheek　just　touched　his。　I　persisted；
with　my　lips　close　at　his　ear：

〃　'What；　no　confidence　in　me　even　yet！　No　confidence　in　the　woman
who　has　almost　confessed　she　loves　youwho　has　almost　consented
to　be　your　wife！'

〃He　turned　his　face　to　mine。　For　the　second　time　he　tried　to　kiss
me；　and　for　the　second　time　I　stopped　him。

〃'If　I　tell　you　my　name；'　he　said；　'I　must　tell　you　more。'

〃I　let　my　cheek　touch　his　again。

〃　'Why　not？'　I　said。　'How　can　I　love　a　manmuch　less　marry
himif　he　keeps　himself　a　stranger　to　me？'

〃There　was　no　answering　that；　as　I　thought。　But　he　did　answer　it。

〃　'It　is　a　dreadful　story；'　he　said。　'It　may　darken　all　your
life；　if　you　know　it；　as　it　has　darkened　mine。'

〃I　put　my　other　arm　round　him；　and　persisted。　'Tell　it　me；　I'm
not　afraid；　tell　it　me。'

〃He　began　to　yield　to　my　other　arm。

〃　'Will　you　keep　it　a　sacred　secret？'　he　said。　'Never　to　be
breathednever　to　be　known　but　to　you　and　me？'

〃I　promised　him　it　should　be　a　secret。　I　waited　in　a　perfect
frenzy　of　expectation。　Twice　he　tried　to　begin；　and　twice　his
courage　failed　him。

〃　'I　can't！'　he　broke　out　in　a　wild；　helpless　way。　I　can't　tell
it！'

〃My　curiosity；　or　more　likely　my　temper；　got　beyond　all　control。
He　had　irritated　me　till　I　was　reckless　what　I　said　or　what　I
did。　I　suddenly　clasped　him　close；　and　pressed　my　lips　to　his。　'I
love　you！'　I　whispered　in　a　kiss。　'_Now_　will　you　tell　me？'

〃For　the　moment　he　was　speechless。　I　don't　know　whether　I　did　it
purposely　to　drive　him　wild。　I　don't　know　whether　I　did　it
involuntarily　in　a　burst　of　rage。　Nothing　is　certain　but　that　I
interpreted　his　silence　the　wrong　way。　I　pushed　him　back　from　me
in　a　fury　the　instant　after　I　had　kissed　him。　'I　hate　you！'　I
said。　'You　have　maddened　me　into　forgetting　myself。　Leave　me。　I
don't　care　for　the　darkness。　Leave　me　instantly；　and　never　see　me
again！'

〃He　caught　me　by　the　hand　and　stopped　me。　He　spoke　in　a　new
voice；　he　suddenly　_commanded；_　as　only　men　can。

〃　'Sit　down；'　he　said。　'You　have　given　me　back　my　courageyou
shall　know　who　I　am。'

〃In　the　silence　and　the　darkness　all　round　us；　I　obeyed　him；　and
sat　down。

〃In　the　silence　and　the　darkness　all　round　us；　he　took　me　in　his
arms　again；　and　told　me　who　he　was。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　

〃Shall　I　trust　you　with　his　story？　Shall　I　tell　you　his　real
name？　Shall　I　show　you；　as　I　threatened；　the　thoughts　that　have
grown　out　of　my　interview　with　him　and　out　of　all　that　has
happened　to　me　since　that　time？

〃Or　shall　I　keep　his　secret　as　I　promised？　and　keep　my　own　secret
too；　by　bringing　this　weary；　long　letter　to　an　end　at　the　very
moment　when　you　are　burning　to　hear　more！

〃Those　are　serious　questions；　Mrs。　Oldershawmore　serious　than
you　suppose。　I　have　had　time　to　calm　down；　and　I　begin　to　see；
what　I　failed　to　see　when　I　first　took　up　my　pen　to　write　to　you；
the　wisdom　of　looking　at　consequences。　Have　I　frightened　myself
in　trying　to　frighten　_you？_　It　is　possiblestrange　as　it　may
seem；　it　is　really　possible。

〃I　have　been　at　the　window　for　the　last　minute　or　two；　thinking。
There　is　plenty　of　time　for　thinking　before　the　post　leaves。　The
people　are　only　now　coming　out　of　church。

〃I　have　settled　to　put　my　letter　on　one　side；　and　to　take　a　look
at　my　diary。　In　plainer　words　I　must　see　what　I　risk　if　I　decide
on　trusting　you；　and　my　diary　will　show　me　what　my　head　is　too
weary　to　calculate　without　help。　I　have　written　the　story　of　my
days　（and　sometimes　the　story　of　my　nights）　much　more　regularly
than　usual　for　the　last　week；　having　reasons　of　my　own　for　being
particularly　careful　in　this　respect　under　present　circumstances。
If　I　end　in　doing　what　it　is　now　in　my　mind　to　do；　it　would　be
madness　to　trust　to　my　memory。　The　smallest　forgetfulness　of　the
slightest　event　that　has　happened　from　the　night　of　my　interview
with　Midwinter　to　the　present　time　might　be　utter　ruin　to　me。

〃　'Utter　ruin　to　her！'　you　will　say。　'What　kind　of　ruin　does　she
mean？'

〃Wait　a　little；　till　I　have　asked　my　diary　whether　I　can　safely
tell　you。〃

CHAPTER　X。

MISS　GWILT'S　DIARY。

〃July　21st；　Monday　night；　eleven　o'clock。Midwinter　has　just
left　me。　We　parted　by　my　desire　at　the　path　out　of　the　coppice；
he　going　his　way　to　the　hotel；　and　I　going　mine　to　my　lodgings。

〃I　have　managed　to　avoid　making　another　appointment　with　him　by
arranging　to　write　to　him　to…morrow　morning。　This　gives　me　the
night's　interval　to　compose　myself；　and　to　coax　my　mind　back　（if
I　can）　to　my　own　affairs。　Will　the　night　pass；　and　the　morning
find　me　still　thinking　of　the　Letter　that　came　to　him　from　his
father's　deathbed？　of　the　night　he　watched　through　on　the　Wrecked
Ship；　and；　more　than　all；　of　the　first　breathless　moment　when　he
told　me　his　real　Name？

〃Would　it　help　me　to　shake　off　these　impressions；　I　wonder；　if　I
made　the　effort　of　writing　them　down？　There　would　be　no　danger；
in　that　case；　of　my　forgetting　anything　important。　And　perhaps；
after　all；　it　may　be　the　fear　of　forgetting　something　which　I
ought　to　remember　that　keeps　this　story　of　Midwinter's　weighing
as　it　does　on　my　mind。　At　any　rate；　the　experiment　is　worth
trying。　In　my　present　situation　I　_must_　be　free　to　think　of
other　things；　or　I　shall　never　find　my　way　through　all　the
difficulties　at　Thorpe　Ambrose　that　are　still　to　come。

〃Let　me　think。　What　_haunts_　me；　to　begin　with？

〃The　Names　haunt　me。　I　keep　saying　and　saying　to　myself：　Both
alike！Christian　name　and　surname　both　alike！　A　light…haired
Allan　Armadale；　whom　I　have　long　since　known　of；　and　who　is　the
son　of　my　old　mistress。　A　dark…haired　Allan　Armadale；　whom　I　only
know　of　now；　and　who　is　only　known　to　others　under　the　name　of
Ozias　Midwinter。　Stranger　still；　it　is　not　relationship；　it　is
not　chance；　that　has　made　them　namesakes。　The　father　of　the　light
Armadale　was　the　man　who　was　_born_　to　the　family　name；　and　who
lost　the　family　inheritance。　The　father　of　the　dark　Armadale　was
the　man　who　_took_　the　name；　on　condition　of　getting　the
inheritanceand　who　got　it。

〃So　there　are　two　of　themI　can't　help　thinking　of　itboth
unmarried。　The　light…haired　Armadale；　who　offers　to　the　woman　who
can　secure　him；　eight　thousand　a　year　while　he　lives；　who　leaves
her　twelve　hundred　a　year　when　he　dies；　who　must　and　shall　marry
me　for　those　two　golden　reasons；　and　whom　I　hate　and　loathe　as　I
never　hated　and　loathed　a　man　yet。　And　the　dark…haired　Armadale；
who　has　a　poor　little　income；　which　might　perhaps　pay　his　wife's
milliner；　if　his　wife　was　careful；　who　has　just　left　me；
persuaded　that　I　mean　to　marry　him；　and　whomwell；　whom　I
_might_　have　loved　once；　before　I　was　the　woman　I　am　now。

〃And　Allan　the　Fair　doesn't　know　he　has　a　namesake。　And　Allan　the
Dark　has　kept　the　secret　from　everybody　but　the　Somersetshire
clergyman　（whose　discretion　he　can　depend　on）　and　myself。

〃And　there　are　two　Allan　Armadalestwo　Allan　Armadalestwo
Allan　Armadales。　There！　three　is　a　lucky　number。　Haunt　me　again；
after　that；　if　you　can！

〃What　next？　The　murder　in　the　timber　ship？　No；　the　murder　is　a
good　reason　why　the　dark　Armadale；　whose　father　committed　it；
should　keep　his　secret　from　the　fair　Armadale；　whose　father　was
killed；　but　it　doesn't　concern　_me。_　I　remember　there　was　a
suspicion　in　Madeira　at　the　time　of　something　wrong。　_Was_　it
wrong？　Was　the　man　who　had　been　tricked　out　of　his　wife　to　blame
for　shutting　the　cabin　door；　and　leaving　the　man　who　had　tricked
him　to　drown　in　the　wreck？　Yes；　the　woman　wasn't　worth　it。

〃What　am　I　sure　of　that　really　concerns　myself？

〃I　am　sure　of　one　very　important　thing。　I　am　sure　that
MidwinterI　must　call　him　by　his　ugly　false　name；　or　I　may
confuse　the　two　Armadales　before　I　have　doneI　am　sure　that
Midwinter　is　perfectly　ignorant　that　I　and　the　little　imp　of
twelve　years　old　who　waited　o　n　Mrs。　Armadale　in　Madeira；　and
copied　the　letters　that　were　supposed　to　arrive　from　the　West
Indies；　are　one　and　the　same。　There　are　not　many　girls　of　twelve
who　could　have　imitated　a　man's　handwriting；　and　held　their
tongues　about　it　afterward；　as　I　did；　but　that　doesn't　matter
now。　What　does　matter　is　that　Midwinter's　belief　in　the　Dream　is
Midwinter's　only　reason　for　trying　to　connect　me　with　Allan
Armadale；　by　associating　me　with　Allan　Armadale's　father　and
mother。　I　asked　him　if　he　actually　thought　me　old　enough　to　have
known　either　of　them。　And　he　said　No；　poor　fellow；　in　the　most
innocent；　bewildered　way。　Would　he　say　No　if　he　saw　me　now？　Shall
I　turn　to　the　glass　and　see　if　I　look　my　five…and…thirty　years？
or　shall　I　go　on　writing？　I　will　go　on　writing。

〃There　is　one　thing　more　that　haunts　me　almost　as　obstinately　as
the　Names。

〃I　wonder　whether　I　am　right　in　relying　on　Midwinter'
superstition　（as　I　do）　to　help　me　in　keeping　him　at　arms…length。
After　having　let　the　excitement　of　the　moment　hurry　me　into
saying　more　than　I　need　have　said；　he　is　certain　to　press　me；　he
is　certain　to　come　back；　with　a　man's　hateful　selfishness　and
impatience　in　such　things；　to　the　question　of　marrying　me。　Will
the　Dream　help　me　to　check　him？　After　alternately　believing　and
disbelieving　in　it；　he　has　got；　by　his　own　confession；　to
believing　in　it　again。　Can　I　say　I　believe　in　it；　too？　I　have
better　reasons　for　doing　so　than　he　knows　of。　I　am　not　only　the
person　who　helped　Mrs。　Armadale's　marriage　by　helping　her　to
impose　on　her　own　father：　I　am　the　woman　who　tried　to　drown
herself；　the　woman　who　started　the　series　of　accidents　which　put
young　Armadale　in　possession　of　his　fortune；　the　woman　who　has
come　Thorpe　Ambrose　to　marry　him　for　his　fortune；　now　he　has　got
it；　and　more　extraordinary　still；　the　woman　who　stood　in　the
Shadow's　place　at　the　pool！　These　may　be　coincidences；　but　they
are　strange　coincidences。　I　declare　I　begin　to　fancy　that　_I_
believe　in　the　Dream　too！

〃Suppose　I　say　to　him；　'I　think　as　you　think。　I　say　what　you　said
in　your　letter　to　me；　Let　us　part　before　the　harm　is　done。　Leave
me　before　the　Third　Vision　of　the　Dream　comes　true。　Leave　me；　and
put　the　mountains　and　the　seas　between　you　and　the　man　who