put the mountains and the seas between you and the man who bears
your name！'
〃Suppose； on the other side； that his love for me makes him
reckless of everything else？ Suppose he says those desperate
words again； which I understand now： What _is_ to be； _will_ be。
What have I to do with it； and what has she？' Supposesuppose
〃I won't write any more。 I hate writing。 It doesn't relieve
meit makes me worse。 I'm further from being able to think of
all that I _must_ think of than I was when I sat down。 It is past
midnight。 To…morrow has come already； and here I am as helpless
as the stupidest woman living！ Bed is the only fit place for me。
〃Bed？ If it was ten years since； instead of to…day； and if I had
married Midwinter for love； I might be going to bed now with
nothing heavier on my mind than a visit on tiptoe to the nursery；
and a last look at night to see if my children were sleeping
quietly in their cribs。 I wonder whether I should have loved my
children if I had ever had any？ Perhaps； yesperhaps； no。 It
doesn't matter。
〃Tuesday morning； ten o'clock。Who was the man who invented
laudanum？ I thank him from the bottom of my heart whoever he was。
If all the miserable wretches in pain of body and mind； whose
comforter he has been； could meet together to sing his praises；
what a chorus it would be！ I have had six delicious hours of
oblivion； I have woke up with my mind composed； I have written a
perfect little letter to Midwinter； I have drunk my nice cup of
tea； with a real relish of it； I have dawdled over my morning
toilet with an exquisite sense of reliefand all through the
modest little bottle of Drops； which I see on my bedroom
chimney…piece at this moment。 'Drops；' you are a darling！ If I
love nothing else； I love _you。_
〃My letter to Midwinter has been sent through the post； and I
have told him to reply to me in the same manner。
〃I feel no anxiety about his answerhe can only answer in one
way。 I have asked for a little time to consider； because my
family circumstances require some consideration； in his interests
as well as in mine。 I have engaged to tell him what those
circumstances are （what shall I say； I wonder？） when we next
meet； and I have requested him in the meantime to keep all that
has passed between us a secret for the present。 As to what he is
to do himself in the interval while I am supposed to be
considering； I have left it to his own discretionmerely
reminding him that his attempting to see me again （while our
positions toward each other cannot be openly avowed） might injure
my reputation。 I have offered to write to him if he wishes it；
and I have ended by promising to make the interval of our
necessary separation as short as I can。
〃This sort of plain； unaffected letterwhich I might have
written to him last night； if his story had not been running in
my head as it didhas one defect； I know。 It certainly keeps him
out of the way； while I am casting my net； and catching my gold
fish at the great house for the second time； but it also leaves
an awkward day of reckoning to come with Midwinter if I succeed。
How am I to manage him？ What am I to do？ I ought to face those
two questions as boldly as usual； but somehow my courage seems to
fail me； and I don't quite fancy meeting _that_ difficulty； till
the time comes when it _must_ be met。 Shall I confess to my diary
that I am sorry for Midwinter； and that I shrink a little from
thinking of the day when he hears that I am going to be mistress
at the great house？
〃But I am not mistress yet； and I can't take a step in the
direction of the great house till I have got the answer to my
letter； and till I know that Midwinter is out of the way。
Patience！ patience！ I must go and forget myself at my piano。
There is the 'Moonlight Sonata' open； and tempting me； on the
music…stand。 Have I nerve enough to play it； I wonder？ Or will it
set me shuddering with the mystery and terror of it； as it did
the other day？
〃Five o'clock。I have got his answer。 The slightest request I
can make is a command to him。 He has gone； and he sends me his
address in London。 'There are two considerations' （he says）
'which help to reconcile me to leaving you。 The first is that
_you_ wish it； and that it is only to be for a little while。 The
second is that I think I can make some arrangements in London for
adding to my income by my own labor。 I have never cared for money
for myself； but you don't know how I am beginning already to
prize the luxuries and refinements that money can provide； for my
wife's sake。' Poor fellow！ I almost wish I had not written to him
as I did； I almost wish I had not sent him away from me。
〃Fancy if Mother Oldershaw saw this page in my diary！ I have had
a letter from her this morninga letter to remind me of my
obligations； and to tell me she suspects things are all going
wrong。 Let her suspect！ I shan't trouble myself to answer； I
can't be worried with that old wretch in the state I am in now。
〃It is a lovely afternoonI want a walkI mustn't think of
Midwinter。 Suppose I put on my bonnet； and try my experiment at
once at the great house？ Everything is in my favor。 There is no
spy to follow me； and no lawyer to keep me out； this time。 Am I
handsome enough； today？ Well； yes； handsome enough to be a match
for a little dowdy； awkward； freckled creature； who ought to be
perched on a form at school； and strapped to a backboard to
straighten her crooked shoulders。
〃 'The nursery lisps out in all they utter；
Besides； they always smell of bread…and…butter。'
〃How admirably Byron has described girls in their teens！
〃Eight o'clock。I have just got back from Armadale's house。 I
have seen him； and spoken to him； and the end of it may be set
down in three plain words。 I have failed。 There is no more chance
of my being Mrs。 Armadale of Thorpe Ambrose than there is of my
being Queen of England。
〃Shall I write and tell Oldershaw？ Shall I go back to London？ Not
till I have had time to think a little。 N ot just yet。
〃Let me think； I have failed completelyfailed； with all the
circumstances in favor of success。 I caught him alone on the
drive in front of the house。 He was excessively disconcerted； but
at the same time quite willing to hear me。 I tried him； first
quietlythen with tears； and the rest of it。 I introduced myself
in the character of the poor innocent woman whom he had been the
means of injuring。 I confused； I interested； I convinced him。 I
went on to the purely Christian part of my errand； and spoke with
such feeling of his separation from his friend； for which I was
innocently responsible； that I turned his odious rosy face quite
pale； and made him beg me at last not to distress him。 But；
whatever other feelings I roused in him； I never once roused his
old feeling for _me。_ I saw it in his eyes when he looked at me；
I felt it in his fingers when we shook hands。 We parted friends；
and nothing more。
〃It is for this； is it； Miss Milroy； that I resisted temptation；
morning after morning； when I knew you were out alone in the
park？ I have just left you time to slip in； and take my place in
Armadale's good graces； have I？ I never resisted temptation yet
without suffering for it in some such way as this！ If I had only
followed my first thoughts； on the day when I took leave of you；
my young ladywell； well； never mind that now。 I have got the
future before me； you are not Mrs。 Armadale yet！ And I can tell
you one other thingwhoever else he marries； he will never marry
_you。_ If I am even with you in no other way； trust me； whatever
comes of it； to be even with you there！
〃I am not； to my own surprise； in one of my furious passions。 The
last time I was in this perfectly cool state； under serious
provocation； something came of it； which I daren't write down；
even in my own private diary。 I shouldn't be surprised if
something comes of it now。
〃On my way back； I called at Mr。 Bashwood's lodgings in the town。
He was not at home； and I left a message telling him to come here
tonight and speak to me。 I mean to relieve him at once of the
duty of looking after Armadale and Miss Milroy。 I may not see my
way yet to ruining her prospects at Thorpe Ambrose as completely
as she has ruined mine。 But when the time comes； and I do see it；
I don't know to what lengths my sense of injury may take me； and
there may be inconvenience； and possibly danger； in having such a
chicken…hearted creature as Mr。 Bashwood in my confidence。
〃I suspect I am more upset by all this than I supposed。
Midwinter's story is beginning to haunt me again； without rhyme
or reason。
〃A soft； quick； trembling knock at the street door！ I know who it
is。 No hand but old Bashwood's could knock in that way。
〃Nine o'clock。I have just got rid of him。 He has surprised me
by coming out in a new character。
〃It seems （though I didn't detect him） that he was at the great
house while I was in company with Armadale。 He saw us talking on
the drive； and he afterward heard what the servants said； who saw
us too。 The wise opinion below stairs is that we have 'made it
up；' and that the master is likely to marry me after all。 'He's
sweet on her red hair；' was the elegant expression they used in
the kitchen。 'Little missie can't match her there； and little
missie will get the worst of it。' How I hate the coarse ways of
the lower orders！
〃While old Bashwood was telling me this； I thought he looked even
more confused and nervous than usual。 But I failed to see what
was really the matter until after I had told him that he was to
leave all further observation of Mr。 Armadale and Miss Milroy to
me。 Every drop of the little blood there is in the feeble old
creature's body seemed to fly up into his face。 He made quite an
overpowering effort； he really looked as if he would drop down
dead of fright at his own boldness； but be forced out the
question for all that； stammering； and stuttering； and kneading
desperately with both hands at the brim of his hideous great hat。
'I beg your pardon； Miss Gwi…Gwi…Gwilt！ You are not really
go…go…going to marry Mr。 Armadale； are you？ Jealousif ever I
saw it in a man's face yet； I saw it in hisactually jealous of
Armadale