forthwith handed it about me to some of my neighbours； and it was
quite emptied before Mr Micklewhimmen had occasion to repeat his
draught。 At length； turning about； he took hold of my bottle；
instead of his own； and； filling a large glass； drank to the
health of Mrs Tabitha。 It had scarce touched his lips； when he
perceived the change which had been put upon him； and was at
first a little out of countenance。 He seemed to retire within
himself； in order to deliberate； and in half a minute his
resolution was taken； addressing himself to our quarter； 'I give
the gentleman credit for his wit （said he）； it was a gude
practical joke； but sometimes hi joci in seria ducunt mala I
hope for his own sake he has na drank all the liccor； for it was
a vara poorful infusion of jallap in Bourdeaux wine； at its
possable he may ha ta'en sic a dose as will produce a terrible
catastrophe in his ain booels '
By far the greater part of the contents had fallen to the share
of a young clothier from Leeds； who had come to make a figure at
Harrigate； and was； in effect a great coxcomb in his way。 It was
with a view to laugh at his fellow…guests； as well as to mortify
the lawyer； that he had emptied the bottle； when it came to his
turn； and he had laughed accordingly： but now his mirth gave way
to his apprehension He began to spit； to make wry faces； and
writhe himself into various contorsions 'Damn the stuff！ （cried
he） I thought it had a villainous twang pah！ He that would cozen
a Scot； mun get oope betimes； and take Old Scratch for his
counsellor ' 'In troth mester what d'ye ca'um （replied the
lawyer）； your wit has run you into a filthy puddle I'm truly
consarned for your waeful case The best advice I can give you；
in sic a delemma； is to send an express to Rippon for doctor
Waugh； without delay； and； in the mean time； swallow all the oil
and butter you can find in the hoose； to defend your poor stomach
and intastines from the villication of the particles of the
jallap； which is vara violent； even when taken in moderation。'
The poor clothier's torments had already begun： he retired；
roaring with pain； to his own chamber； the oil was swallowed； and
the doctor sent for； but before he arrived； the miserable patient
had made such discharges upwards and downwards； that nothing
remained to give him further offence； and this double evacuation；
was produced by imagination alone； for what he had drank was
genuine wine of Bourdeaux； which the lawyer had brought from
Scotland for his own private use。 The clothier； finding the joke
turn out so expensive and disagreeable； quitted the house next
morning； leaving the triumph to Micklewhimmen； who enjoyed it
internally without any outward signs of exultation on the
contrary； he affected to pity the young man for what he had
suffered； and acquired fresh credit from this shew of moderation。
It was about the middle of the night； which succeeded this
adventure； that the vent of the kitchen chimney being foul； the
soot took fire； and the alarm was given in a dreadful manner。
Every body leaped naked out of bed； and in a minute the whole
house was filled with cries and confusion There was two stairs
in the house； and to these we naturally ran； but they were both
so blocked up； by the people pressing one upon another； that it
seemed impossible to pass； without throwing down and trampling
upon the women。 In the midst of this anarchy； Mr Micklewhimmen；
with a leathern portmanteau on his back； came running as nimble
as a buck along the passage； and Tabby in her underpetticoat；
endeavouring to hook him under the arm； that she might escape
through his protection； he very fairly pushed her down； crying；
'Na； na； gude faith； charity begins at hame！' Without paying the
least respect to the shrieks and intreaties of his female
friends； he charged through the midst of the crowd； overturning
every thing that opposed him； and actually fought his way to the
bottom of the Stair…case By this time Clinker had found a ladder
by which he entered the window of my uncle's chamber； where our
family was assembled； and proposed that we should make our exit
successively by that conveyance。 The 'squire exhorted his sister
to begin the descent； but； before she could resolve； her woman；
Mrs Winifred Jenkins； in a transport of terror； threw herself out at
the window upon the ladder； while Humphry dropped upon the
ground； that he might receive her in her descent This maiden was
just as she had started out of bed； the moon shone very bright；
and a fresh breeze of wind blowing； none of Mrs Winifred's
beauties could possibly escape the view of the fortunate Clinker；
whose heart was not able to withstand the united force of so many
charms； at least I am much mistaken； if he has not been her
humble slave from that moment He received her in his arms； and；
giving her his coat to protect her from the weather； ascended
again with admirable dexterity。
At that instant； the landlord of the house called out with an
audible voice； that the fire was extinguished； and the ladies had
nothing further to fear： this was a welcome note to the audience；
and produced an immediate effect； the shrieking ceased； and a
confused sound of expostulation ensued。 I conducted Mrs Tabitha
and my sister to their own chamber； where Liddy fainted away； but
was soon brought to herself。 Then I went to offer my services to
the other ladies； who might want assistance They were all
scudding through the passage to their several apartments； and as
the thoroughfair was lighted by two lamps； I had a pretty good
observation of them in their transit； but as most of them were
naked to the smock； and all their heads shrowded in huge
nightcaps； I could not distinguish one face from another； though
I recognized some of their voices These were generally
plaintive； some wept； some scolded； and some prayed I lifted up
one poor old gentlewoman； who had been overturned and sore
bruised by a multitude of feet； and this was also the case with
the lame person from Northumberland； whom Micklewhimmen had in
his passage overthrown； though not with impunity； for the
cripple； in falling； gave him such a good pelt on the head with
his crutch； that the blood followed。
As for this lawyer； he waited below till the hurly burly was
over； and then stole softly to his own chamber； from whence he
did not venture to make a second sally till eleven in the
forenoon； when he was led into the Public Room； by his own
servant and another assistant； groaning most woefully； with a
bloody napkin round his head。 But things were greatly altered
The selfish brutality of his behaviour on the stairs had steeled
their hearts against all his arts and address Not a soul offered
to accommodate him with a chair； cushion； or footstool； so that
he was obliged to sit down on a hard bench In that position； he
looked around with a rueful aspect； and； bowing very low； said in
a whining tone； 'Your most humble servant； ladies Fire is a
dreadful calamity' 'Fire purifies gold； and it ties friendship；'
cried Mrs Tabitha； bridling。 'Yea； madam （replied Micklewhimmen）；
and it trieth discretion also' 'If discretion consists in
forsaking a friend in adversity； you are eminently possessed of
that virtue' （resumed our aunt）。 'Na； madam （rejoined the
advocate）； well I wot； I cannot claim any merit from the mode of
my retreat Ye'll please to observe； ladies； there are twa
independent principles that actuate our nature One is instinct；
which we have in common with the brute creation； and the other is
reason Noo； in certain great emergencies； when the faculty of
reason is suspended； instinct taks the lead； and when this
predominates； having no affinity with reason； it pays no sort of
regard to its connections； it only operates for the preservation
of the individual； and that by the most expeditious and effectual
means； therefore； begging your pardon； ladies； I'm no accountable
in foro conscientioe for what I did； while under the influence of
this irresistible pooer。'
Here my uncle interposing； 'I should be glad to know （said he）；
whether it was instinct that prompted you to retreat with bag and
baggage； for； I think； you had a portmanteau on your shoulder'
The lawyer answered； without hesitation； 'Gif I might tell my
mind freely； withoot incuring the suspicion of presumption； I
should think it was something superior to either reason or
instinct which suggested that measure； and this on a twafold
accoont： in the first place； the portmanteau contained the
writings of a worthy nobleman's estate； and their being burnt
would have occasioned a loss that could not be repaired；
secondly； my good angel seems to have laid the portmanteau on my
shoulders； by way of defence； to sustain the violence of a most
inhuman blow； from the crutch of a reverend clergyman； which；
even in spite of that medium； hath wounded me sorely； even unto
the pericranium。' 'By your own doctrine （cried the parson； who
chanced to be present）； I am not accountable for the blow； which
was the effect of instinct。' 'I crave your pardon； reverend sir
（said the other）； instinct never acts but for the preservation of
the individual； but your preservation was out of the case you
had already received the damage； and therefore the blow must be
imputed to revenge； which is a sinful passion； that ill becomes
any Christian； especially a protestant divine； and let me tell
you； most reverend doctor； gin I had a mind to plea； the law
would hauld my libel relevant。' 'Why； the damage is pretty equal
on both sides （cried the parson）； your head is broke； and my
crutch is snapt in the middle。 Now； if you will repair the one； I
will be at the expence of curing the other。'
This sally raised the laugh against Micklewhimmen； who began to
look grave； when my uncle； in order to change the discourse；
observed； that instinct had been very kind to him in another
respect； for it had restored to him the use of his limbs； which；
in his exit； he had moved with surprising agility。 He replied；
that it was the nature of fear to brace up the nerves； and
mentioned some surprising feats of strength and activity
performed by persons under the impulse of ter