of our senses； for the joke's sake。' 'Ay； and such a joke！ （cried
our landlord） such a farce！ such a denouement！ such a
catastrophe！'
'Have a little patience （replied our 'squire）； we are not yet
come to the catastrophe； and pray God it may not turn out a
tragedy instead of a farce。 The captain is one of those
saturnine subjects； who have no idea of humour。 He never laughs
in his own person； nor can he bear that other people should laugh
at his expence。 Besides； if the subject had been properly chosen；
the joke was too severe in all conscience。' ''Sdeath！ （cried the
knight） I could not have bated him an ace had he been my own
father； and as for the subject； such another does not present
itself once in half a century。' Here Mrs Tabitha interposing； and
bridling up； declared； she did not see that Mr Lismahago was a
fitter subject for ridicule than the knight himself； and that she
was very much afraid； he would very soon find he had mistaken his
man。 The baronet was a good deal disconcerted by his intimation；
saying； that he must be a Goth and a barbarian； if he did not
enter into the spirit of such a happy and humourous contrivance。
He begged； however； that Mr Bramble and his sister would bring
him to reason； and this request was reinforced by lady Bullford；
who did not fail to read the baronet a lecture upon his
indiscretion； which lecture he received with submission on one
side of his face； and a leer upon the other。
We now went to bed for the second time； and before I got up； my
uncle had visited Lismahago in the green room； and used such
arguments with him； that when we met in the parlour he seemed to
be quite appeased。 He received the knight's apology with good
grace； and even professed himself pleased at finding he had
contributed to the diversion of the company。 Sir Thomas shook
him by the hand； laughing heartily； and then desired a pinch of
snuff； in token of perfect reconciliation The lieutenant；
putting his hand in his waistcoat pocket； pulled out； instead of
his own Scotch mull； a very fine gold snuff…box； which he no
sooner perceived than he said； 'Here is a small mistake。' 'No
mistake at all （cried the baronet）： a fair exchange is no
robbery。 Oblige me so far； captain； as to let me keep your mull
as a memorial。' 'Sir （said the lieutenant）； the mull is much at
your service； but this machine I can by no means retain。 It
looks like compounding a sort of felony in the code of honour。
Besides； I don't know but there may be another joke in this
conveyance； and I don't find myself disposed to be brought upon
the stage again。 I won't presume to make free with your pockets；
but I beg you will put it up again with your own hand。' So
saying； with a certain austerity of aspect； he presented the
snuffbox to the knight； who received it in some confusion； and
restored the mull； which he would by no means keep except on the
terms of exchange。
This transaction was like to give a grave cast to the
conversation； when my uncle took notice that Mr Justice Frogmore
had not made his appearance either at the night…alarm； or now at
the general rendezvous。 The baronet hearing Frogmore mentioned；
'Odso！ （cried he） I had forgot the justice。 Pr'ythee； doctor； go
and bring him out of his kennel。' Then laughing till his sides
were well shaken； he said he would shew the captain； that he was
not the only person of the drama exhibited for the entertainment
of the company。 As to the night…scene； it could not affect the
justice； who had been purposely lodged in the farther end of the
house； remote from the noise； and lulled with a dose of opium
into the bargain。 In a few minutes； Mr Justice was led into the
parlour in his nightcap and loose morning…gown； rolling his head
from side to side； and groaning piteously all the way。 'Jesu！
neighbour Frogmore （exclaimed the baronet）； what is the matter？
you look as if you was not a man for this world。 Set him down
softly on the couch poor gentlemen！ Lord have mercy upon us！
What makes him so pale； and yellow； and bloated？' 'Oh； Sir
Thomas！ （cried the justice） I doubt 'tis all over with me
Those mushrooms I eat at your table have done my business ah！
oh！ hey！' 'Now the Lord forbid！ （said the other） what！ man； have
a good heart How does thy stomach feel？ hall？'
To this interrogation he made no reply； but throwing aside his
nightgown； discovered that his waist…coat would not meet upon his
belly by five good inches at least。 'Heaven protect us all！
（cried Sir Thomas） what a melancholy spectacle！ never did I see
a man so suddenly swelled； but when he was either just dead； or
just dying。 Doctor； can'st thou do nothing for this poor
object？' 'I don't think the case is quite desperate （said the
surgeon）； but I would advise Mr Frogmore to settle his affairs
with all expedition； the parson may come and pray by him； while I
prepare a glyster and an emetic draught。' The justice； rolling
his languid eyes； ejaculated with great fervency； 'Lord； have
mercy upon us！ Christ； have mercy upon us！' Then he begged the
surgeon； in the name of God； to dispatch 'As for my worldly
affairs （said he）； they are all settled but one mortgage； which
must be left to my heirs but my poor soul！ my poor soul！ what
will become of my poor soul？ miserable sinner that I am！' 'Nay；
pr'ythee； my dear boy； compose thyself （resumed the knight）；
consider the mercy of heaven is infinite； thou can'st not have
any sins of a very deep dye on thy conscience； or the devil's
in't。' 'Name not the devil （exclaimed the terrified Frogmore）； I
have more sins to answer for than the world dreams of。 Ah！
friend； I have been sly sly damn'd sly！ Send for the parson
without loss of time； and put me to bed； for I am posting to
eternity。' He was accordingly raised from the couch； and
supported by two servants； who led him back to his room； but
before he quitted the parlour； he intreated the good company to
assist him with their prayers。 He added； 'Take warning by me；
who am suddenly cut off in my prime； like a flower of the field；
and God forgive you； Sir Thomas； for suffering such poisonous
trash to be eaten at your table。'
He was no sooner removed out of hearing； than the baronet
abandoned himself to a violent fit of laughing； in which he was
joined by the greatest part of the company； but we could hardly
prevent the good lady from going to undeceive the patient； by
discovering； that while he slept his waistcoat had been
straitened by the contrivance of the surgeon； and that the
disorder in his stomach and bowels was occasioned by some
antimonial wine； which he had taken over night； under the
denomination of plague…water。 She seemed to think that his
apprehension might put an end to his life： the knight swore he
was no such chicken； but a tough old rogue； that would live long
enough to plague all his neighbours。 Upon enquiry； we found his
character did not intitle him to much compassion or respect； and
therefore we let our landlord's humour take its course。 A
glyster was actually administered by an old woman of the family；
who had been Sir Thomas's nurse； and the patient took a draught
made with oxymel of squills to forward the operation of the
antimonial wine； which had been retarded by the opiate of the
preceding night。 He was visited by the vicar； who read prayers；
and began to take an account of the state of his soul； when those
medicines produced their effect； so that the parson was obliged
to hold his nose while he poured forth spiritual consolation from
his mouth。 The same expedient was used by the knight and me； who；
with the doctor； entered the chamber at this juncture； and found
Frogmore enthroned on an easing…chair； under the pressure of a
double evacuation。 The short intervals betwixt every heave he
employed in crying for mercy； confessing his sins； or asking the
vicar's opinion of his case； and the vicar answered； in a solemn
snuffling tone； that heightened the ridicule of the scene。 The
emetic having done its office； the doctor interfered； and ordered
the patient to be put in bed again。 When he examined the egesta；
and felt his pulse； he declared that much of the virus was
discharged； and； giving him a composing draught； assured him he
had good hopes of his recovery。 This welcome hint he received
with the tears of joy in his eyes； protesting； that if he should
recover； he would always think himself indebted for his life to
the great skill and tenderness of his doctor； whose hand he
squeezed with great fervour； and thus he was left to his repose。
We were pressed to stay dinner； that we might be witnesses of his
resuscitation； but my uncle insisted upon our departing before
noon； that we might reach this town before it should be dark。 In
the mean…time； lady Bullford conducted us into the garden to see
a fishpond just finished； which Mr Bramble censured as being too
near the parlour； where the knight now sat by himself； dozing in
an elbow…chair after the fatigues of his morning atchievement。
In this situation he reclined； with his feet wrapped in flannel；
and supported in a line with his body； when the door flying open
with a violent shock； lieutenant Lismahago rushed into the room
with horror in his looks； exclaiming； 'A mad dog！ a mad dog！' and
throwing up the window sash； leaped into the garden Sir Thomas；
waked by this tremendous exclamation； started up； and forgetting
his gout； followed the lieutenant's example by a kind of
instinctive impulse。 He not only bolted thro' the window like an
arrow from a bow； but ran up to his middle in the pond before he
gave the least sign of recollection。 Then the captain began to
bawl； 'Lord have mercy upon us！ pray； take care of the
gentleman！ for God's sake； mind your footing； my dear boy！ get
warm blankets comfort his poor carcase warm the bed in the
green room。'
Lady Bullford was thunder…struck at this phaenomenon； and the
rest of the company gazed in silent astonishment； while the
servants hastened to assist their master； who suffered himself to
be carried back into the parlour without speaking a word。 Being
instantly accommodated with dry clothes and flannels； comforted
with a cordial； and replaced in statu quo； on