would make an effort； such as I had advised； that he would form a
plan of oeconomy； and； if he found it impracticable without my
assistance； he would come to Bath in the winter； where I promised
to give him the meeting； and contribute all in my power to the
retrieval of his affairs With this mutual engagement we parted；
and I shall think myself supremely happy； if； by my means； a
worthy man； whom I love and esteem； can be saved from misery；
disgrace； and despair。
I have only one friend more to visit in this part of the country；
but he is of a complexion very different from that of Baynard。
You have heard me mention Sir Thomas Bullford； whom I knew in
Italy。 He is now become a country gentleman； but； being disabled
by the gout from enjoying any amusement abroad； he entertains
himself within doors； by keeping open house for all corners； and
playing upon the oddities and humours of his company： but he
himself is generally the greatest original at his table。 He is
very good…humoured； talks much； and laughs without ceasing。 I am
told that all the use he makes of his understanding at present；
is to excite mirth； by exhibiting his guests in ludicrous
attitudes。 I know not how far we may furnish him with
entertainment of this kind； but I am resolved to beat up his
quarters； partly with a view to laugh with the knight himself；
and partly to pay my respects to his lady； a good…natured
sensible woman； with whom he lives upon very easy terms； although
she has not had the good fortune to bring him an heir to his
estate。
And now； dear Dick； I must tell you for your comfort； that you
are the only man upon earth to whom I would presume to send such
a longwinded epistle； which I could not find in my heart to
curtail； because the subject interested the warmest passions of
my heart； neither will I make any other apology to a
correspondent who has been so long accustomed to the impertinence
of
MATT。 BRAMBLE
Sept。 30。
To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS； Bart。 at Oxon。
DEAR KNIGHT；
I believe there is something mischievous in my disposition； for
nothing diverts me so much as to see certain characters tormented
with false terrors。 We last night lodged at the house of Sir
Thomas Bullford； an old friend of my uncle； a jolly fellow； of
moderate intellects； who； in spite of the gout； which hath lamed
him； is resolved to be merry to the last； and mirth he has a
particular knack in extracting from his guests； let their humour
be ever so caustic or refractory。 Besides our company； there was
in the house a fat…headed justice of the peace； called Frogmore；
and a country practitioner in surgery； who seemed to be our
landlord's chief companion and confidant。 We found the knight
sitting on a couch； with his crutches by his side； and his feet
supported on cushions； but he received us with a hearty welcome；
and seemed greatly rejoiced at our arrival。 After tea； we were
entertained with a sonata on the harpsichord by lady Bullford；
who sung and played to admiration； but Sir Thomas seemed to be a
little asinine in the article of ears； though he affected to be
in raptures； and begged his wife to favour us with an arietta of
her own composing。 This arietta； however； she no sooner began to
perform； than he and the justice fell asleep； but the moment she
ceased playing； the knight waked snorting； and exclaimed； 'O
cara！ what d'ye think； gentlemen？ Will you talk any more of your
Pargolesi and your Corelli？' At the same time； he thrust his
tongue in one cheek； and leered with one eye at the doctor and
me； who sat on his left hand。 He concluded the pantomime with a
loud laugh； which he could command at all times extempore。
Notwithstanding his disorder； he did not do penance at supper；
nor did he ever refuse his glass when the toast went round； but
rather encouraged a quick circulation； both by precept and
example。
I soon perceived the doctor had made himself very necessary to
the baronet。 He was the whetstone of his wit； the butt of his
satire； and his operator in certain experiments of humour； which
were occasionally tried upon strangers。 Justice Frogmore was an
excellent subject for this species of philosophy； sleek and
corpulent； solemn； and shallow； he had studied Burn with
uncommon application； but he studied nothing so much as the art
of living （that is； eating） well This fat buck had often
afforded good sport to our landlord； and he was frequently
started with tolerable success； in the course of this evening；
but the baronet's appetite for ridicule seemed to be chiefly
excited by the appearance； address； and conversation of
Lismahago； whom he attempted in all different modes of
exposition； but he put me in mind of a contest that I once saw
betwixt a young hound and an old hedge…hog The dog turned him
over and over； and bounced and barked； and mumbled； but as often
as he attempted to bite； he felt a prickle in his jaws； and
recoiled in manifest confusion； The captain； when left to
himself； will not fail to turn his ludicrous side to the company；
but if any man attempts to force him into that attitude； he
becomes stubborn as a mule； and unmanageable as an elephant
unbroke。
Divers tolerable jokes were cracked upon the justice； who eat a
most unconscionable supper； and； among other things； a large
plate of broiled mushrooms； which he had no sooner swallowed than
the doctor observed； with great gravity； that they were of the
kind called champignons； which in some constitutions has a
poisonous effect。 Mr Frogmore startled at this remark； asked； in
some confusion； why he had not been so kind as to give him that
notice sooner。 He answered； that he took it for granted； by his
eating them so heartily； that he was used to the dish； but as he
seemed to be under some apprehension； he prescribed a bumper of
plague water； which the justice drank off immediately； and
retired to rest； not without marks of terror and disquiet。
At midnight we were shewn to our different chambers； and in half
an hour； I was fast asleep in bed； but about three o'clock in the
morning I was waked with a dismal cry of Fire！ and starting up；
ran to the window in my shirt。 The night was dark and stormy；
and a number of people half…dressed ran backwards and forwards
thro' the court…yard； with links and lanthorns； seemingly in the
utmost hurry and trepidation。 Slipping on my cloaths in a
twinkling； I ran down stairs； and； upon enquiry； found the fire
was confined to a back…stair； which led to a detached apartment
where Lismahago lay。 By this time； the lieutenant was alarmed by
bawling at his window； which was in the second story； but he
could not find his cloaths in the dark； and his room…door was
locked on the outside。 The servants called to him； that the
house had been robbed； that； without all doubt； the villains had
taken away his cloaths； fastened the door； and set the house on
fire； for the stair…case was in flames。 In this dilemma the poor
lieutenant ran about the room naked like a squirrel in a cage；
popping out his bead at the window between whiles； and imploring
assistance。 At length； the knight in person was brought out in
his chair； attended by my uncle and all the family； including our
aunt Tabitha； who screamed； and cried； and tore her hair； as if
she had been distracted Sir Thomas had already ordered his
people to bring a long ladder which was applied to the captain's；
window； and now he exhorted him earnestly to descend。 There was
no need of much rhetoric to persuade Lismahago； who forthwith
made his exit by the window； roaring all the time to the people
below to hold fast the ladder。
Notwithstanding the gravity of the occasion； it was impossible to
behold this scene without being seized with an inclination to
laugh。 The rueful aspect of the lieutenant in his shirt； with a
quilted night…cap fastened under his chin； and his long lank
limbs and posteriors exposed to the wind； made a very picturesque
appearance； when illumined by the links and torches which the
servants held up to light him in his descent。 All the company
stood round the ladder； except the knight； who sat in his chair；
exclaiming from time to time； 'Lord； have mercy upon us！ save
the gentleman's life！ mind your footing； dear captain！ softly！
stand fast！ clasp the ladder with both hands！ there！ well
done； my dear boy！ O bravo！ an old soldier for ever！ bring a
blanket bring a warm blanket to comfort his poor carcase warm
the bed in the green room give me your hand； dear captain I'm
rejoiced to see thee safe and sound with all my heart。' Lismahago
was received at the foot of the ladder by his inamorata； who
snatching a blanket from one of the maids； wrapped it about his
body； two men…servants took him under the arms； and a female
conducted him to the green room； still accompanied by Mrs
Tabitha； who saw him fairly put to bed。 During this whole
transaction he spoke not a syllable； but looked exceeding grim；
sometimes at one； sometimes at another of the spectators； who now
adjourned in a body to the parlour where we had supped； every one
surveying another with marks of astonishment and curiosity。
The knight being seated in an easy chair； seized my uncle by the
hand； and bursting into a long and loud laugh； 'Matt （cried he）；
crown me with oak； or ivy； or laurel； or parsely； or what you
will； and acknowledge this to be a coup de maitre in the way of
waggery ha； ha； ha！ Such a camisciata； scagliata； beffata！ O；
che roba！ O； what a subject！ O； what caricatura！ O； for a Rosa；
a Rembrandt； a Schalken！ Zooks； I'll give a hundred guineas to
have it painted！ what a fine descent from the cross； or ascent
to the gallows！ what lights and shadows！ what a groupe below！
what expression above！ what an aspect！ did you mind the aspect？
ha； ha； ha！ and the limbs； and the muscles every toe denoted
terror！ ha； ha； ha！ then the blanket！ O； what costume！ St
Andrew！ St Lazarus！ St Barrabas！ ha； ha； ha！' 'After all then
（cried Mr Bramble very gravely）； this was no more than a false
alarm。 We have been frightened out of our beds； and almost out
of our senses； for the joke's sake。' 'Ay； and such a joke！ （cried
our landlord） such a farce！ such a den