lectures16+17- 第4部分

to　return；　the　new　sense　of　my　relation　to　God　began　to　fade。　　I



suddenly　leapt　to　my　feet　on　the　chair　where　I　was　sitting；　and



shrieked　out；　'It　is　too　horrible；　it　is　too　horrible；　it　is　too



horrible；'　meaning　that　I　could　not　bear　this　disillusionment。



Then　I　flung　myself　on　the　ground；　and　at　last　awoke　covered　with



blood；　calling　to　the　two　surgeons　（who　were　frightened）；　'Why



did　you　not　kill　me？　　Why　would　you　not　let　me　die？'　Only　think



of　it。　　To　have　felt　for　that　long　dateless　ecstasy　of　vision　the



very　God；　in　all　purity　and　tenderness　and　truth　and　absolute



love；　and　then　to　find　that　I　had　after　all　had　no　revelation；



but　that　I　had　been　tricked　by　the　abnormal　excitement　of　my



brain。







〃Yet；　this　question　remains；　Is　it　possible　that　the　inner　sense



of　reality　which　succeeded；　when　my　flesh　was　dead　to　impressions



from　without；　to　the　ordinary　sense　of　physical　relations；　was



not　a　delusion　but　an　actual　experience？　　Is　it　possible　that　I；



in　that　moment；　felt　what　some　of　the　saints　have　said　they



always　felt；　the　undemonstrable　but　irrefragable　certainty　of



God？〃＇235＇







＇235＇　Op。　cit。；　pp。　78…80；　abridged。　　I　subjoin；　also　abridging



it；　another　interesting　anaesthetic　revelation　communicated　to　me



in　manuscript　by　a　friend　in　England。　　The　subject；　a　gifted



woman；　was　taking　ether　for　a　surgical　operation。







〃I　wondered　if　I　was　in　a　prison　being　tortured；　and　why　I



remembered　having　heard　it　said　that　people　'learn　through



suffering；'　and　in　view　of　what　I　was　seeing；　the　inadequacy　of



this　saying　struck　me　so　much　that　I　said；　aloud；　'to　suffer　IS



to　learn。'







〃With　that　I　became　unconscious　again；　and　my　last　dream



immediately　preceded　my　real　coming　to。　　It　only　lasted　a　few



seconds；　and　was　most　vivid　and　real　to　me；　though　it　may　not　be



clear　in　words。







〃A　great　Being　or　Power　was　traveling　through　the　sky；　his　foot



was　on　a　kind　of　lightning　as　a　wheel　is　on　a　rail；　it　was　his



pathway。　　The　lightning　was　made　entirely　of　the　spirits　of



innumerable　people　close　to　one　another；　and　I　was　one　of　them。　



He　moved　in　a　straight　line；　and　each　part　of　the　streak　or　flash



came　into　its　short　conscious　existence　only　that　he　might



travel。　　I　seemed　to　be　directly　under　the　foot　of　God；　and　I



thought　he　was　grinding　his　own　life　up　out　of　my　pain。　　Then　I



saw　that　what　he　had　been　trying　with　all　his　might　to　do　was　to



CHANGE　HIS　COURSE；　to　BEND　the　line　of　lightning　to　which　he　was



tied；　in　the　direction　in　which　he　wanted　to　go。　　I　felt　my



flexibility　and　helplessness；　and　knew　that　he　would　succeed。　He



bended　me；　turning　his　corner　by　means　of　my　hurt；　hurting　me



more　than　I　had　ever　been　hurt　in　my　life；　and　at　the　acutest



point　of　this；　as　he　passed；　I　SAW。　　I　understood　for　a　moment



things　that　I　have　now　forgotten；　things　that　no　one　could



remember　while　retaining　sanity。　　The　angle　was　an　obtuse　angle；



and　I　remember　thinking　as　I　woke　that　had　he　made　it　a　right　or



acute　angle；　I　should　have　both　suffered　and　'seen'　still　more；



and　should　probably　have　died。







〃He　went　on　and　I　came　to。　　In　that　moment　the　whole　of　my　life



passed　before　me；　including　each　little　meaningless　piece　of



distress；　and　I　UNDERSTOOD　them。　　THIS　was　what　it　had　all　meant；



THIS　was　the　piece　of　work　it　had　all　been　contributing　to　do。　　I



did　not　see　God's　purpose；　I　only　saw　his　intentness　and　his



entire　relentlessness　towards　his　means。　　He　thought　no　more　of



me　than　a　man　thinks　of　hurting　a　cork　when　he　is　opening　wine；



or　hurting　a　cartridge　when　he　is　firing。　　And　yet；　on　waking；　my



first　feeling　was；　and　it　came　with　tears；　'Domine　non　sum



digna；'　for　I　had　been　lifted　into　a　position　for　which　I　was　too



small。　　I　realized　that　in　that　half　hour　under　ether　I　had



served　God　more　distinctly　and　purely　than　I　had　ever　done　in　my



life　before；　or　than　I　am　capable　of　desiring　to　do。　　I　was　the



means　of　his　achieving　and　revealing　something；　I　know　not　what



or　to　whom；　and　that；　to　the　exact　extent　of　my　capacity　for



suffering。







〃While　regaining　consciousness；　I　wondered　why；　since　I　had　gone



so　deep；　I　had　seen　nothing　of　what　the　saints　call　the　LOVE　of



God；　nothing　but　his　relentlessness。　　And　then　I　heard　an　answer；



which　I　could　only　just　catch；　saying；　'Knowledge　and　Love　are



One；　and　the　MEASURE　is　suffering'I　give　the　words　as　they　came



to　me。　With　that　I　came　finally　to　（into　what　seemed　a　dream



world　compared　with　the　reality　of　what　I　was　leaving）；　and　I　saw



that　what　would　be　called　the　'cause'　of　my　experience　was　a



slight　operation　under　insufficient　ether；　in　a　bed　pushed　up



against　a　window；　a　common　city　window　in　a　common　city　street。　



If　I　had　to　formulate　a　few　of　the　things　I　then　caught　a　glimpse



of；　they　would　run　somewhat　as　follows：







〃The　eternal　necessity　of　suffering　and　its　eternal



vicariousness。　The　veiled　and　incommunicable　nature　of　the　worst



sufferings；the　passivity　of　genius；　how　it　is　essentially



instrumental　and　defenseless；　moved；　not　moving；　it　must　do　what



it　does；the　impossibility　of　discovery　without　its



price；finally；　the　excess　of　what　the　suffering　'seer'　or



genius　pays　over　what　his　generation　gains。　　（He　seems　like　one



who　sweats　his　life　out　to　earn　enough　to　save　a　district　from



famine；　and　just　as　he　staggers　back；　dying　and　satisfied；



bringing　a　lac　of　rupees　to　buy　grain　with；　God　lifts　the　lac



away；　dropping　ONE　rupee；　and　says；　'That　you　may　give　them。　



That　you　have　earned　for　them。　　The　rest　is　for　ME。'）　I　perceived



also　in　a　way　never　to　be　forgotten；　the　excess　of　what　we　see



over　what　we　can　demonstrate。







〃And　so　on！these　things　may　seem　to　you　delusions；　or　truisms；



but　for　me　they　are　dark　truths；　and　the　power　to　put　them　into



even　such　words　as　these　has　been　given　me　by　an　ether　dream。〃















With　this　we　make　connection　with　religious　mysticism　pure　and



simple。　　Symonds's　question　takes　us　back　to　those　examples　which



you　will　remember　my　quoting　in　the　lecture　on　the　Reality　of　the



Unseen；　of　sudden　realization　of　the　immediate　presence　of　God。　



The　phenomenon　in　one　shape　or　another　is　not　uncommon。







〃I　know；〃　writes　Mr。　Trine；　〃an　officer　on　our　police　force　who



has　told　me　that　many　times　when　off　duty；　and　on　his　way　home　in



the　evening；　there　comes　to　him　such　a　vivid　and　vital



realization　of　his　oneness　with　this　Infinite　Power；　and　this



Spirit　of　Infinite　Peace　so　takes　hold　of　and　so　fills　him；　that



it　seems　as　if　his　feet　could　hardly　keep　to　the　pavement；　so



buoyant　and　so　exhilarated　does　he　become　by　reason　of　this



inflowing　tide。〃＇236＇







＇236＇　In　Tune　with　the　Infinite；　p。　137。















Certain　aspects　of　nature　seem　to　have　a　peculiar　power　of



awakening　such　mystical　moods。＇237＇　Most　of　the　striking　cases



which　I　have　collected　have　occurred　out　of　doors。　　Literature



has　commemorated　this　fact　in　many　passages　of　great　beautythis



extract；　for　example；　from　Amiel's　Journal　Intime：







＇237＇　The　larger　God　may　then　swallow　up　the　smaller　one。　　I　take



this　from　Starbuck's　manuscript　collection：







〃I　never　lost　the　consciousness　of　the　presence　of　God　until　I



stood　at　the　foot　of　the　Horseshoe　Falls；　Niagara。　　Then　I　lost



him　in　the　immensity　of　what　I　saw。　　I　also　lost　myself；　feeling



that　I　was　an　atom　too　small　for　the　notice　of　Almighty　God。〃







I　subjoin　another　similar　case　from　Starbuck's　collection：







〃In　that　time　the　consciousness　of　God's　nearness　came　to　me



sometimes。　　I　say　God；　to　describe　what　is　indescribable。　　A



presence；　I　might　say；　yet　that　is　too　suggestive　of　personality；



and　the　moments　of　which　I　speak　did　not　hold　the　consciousness



of　a　personality；　but　something　in　myself　made　me　feel　myself　a



part　of　something　bigger　than　I；　that　was　controlling。　　I　felt



myself　one　with　the　grass；　the　trees；　birds；　insects；　everything



in　Nature。　　I　exulted　in　the　mere　fact　of　existence；　of　being　a



part　of　it　allthe　drizzling　rain；　the　shadows　of　the　clouds；



the　tree…trunks；　and　so　on。　　In　the　years　following；　such　moments



continued　to　come；　but　I　wanted　them　constantly。　　I　knew　so　well



the　satisfaction　of　losing　self　in　a　perception　of　supreme　power



and　love；　that　I　was　unhappy　because　that　perception　was　not



constant。〃　The　cases　quoted　in　my　third　lecture；　pp。　65；　66；　69；



are　still　better　ones　of　this　type。　　In　her　essay；　The　Loss　of



Personality；　in　The　Atlantic　Monthly　（vol。　lxxxv。　p。　195）；　Miss



Ethel　D。　Puffer　explains　that　the　vanishing　of　the　sense　of　self；



and　the　feeling　of　immediate　unity　with　the　object；　is　due　to　the



disappearance；　in　these　rapturous　experiences；　of　the　motor



adjustments　which　habitually　intermediate　between　the　constant



background　of　consciousness　（which　is　the　Self）　and　the　object　in



the　foreground；　whatever　it　may　be。　　I　must　refer　the　reader　to



the　highly　instructive　article；　which　seems　to　me　to　throw　light



upon　the　psychological　conditions；　though　it　fails　to　account　for



the　rapture　or　the　revelation…value　of　the　experience　in　the



Subject's　eyes。







〃Shall　I　ever　again　have　any　of　those　prodigious　reveries　which



sometimes　came　to　me　in　former　days？　　One　day；　in　youth；　at



sunrise；　sitting　in　the　ruins　of　the　castle　of　Faucigny；　and



again　in　the　mountain