the man who was afraid- 第41部分

〃There　are　times　when　I　feel　guilty　before　men。　Everybody　lives；　makes　noise；　while　I　am　frightened；　staggeredas　if　I　did　not　feel　the　earth　under　me。　Was　it；　perhaps；　my　mother　that　endowed　me　with　apathy？　My　godfather　says　that　she　was　as　cold　as　ice　that　she　was　forever　yearning　towards　something。　I　am　also　yearning。　Toward　men　I　am　yearning。　I'd　like　to　go　to　them　and　say：　'Brethren；　help　me！　Teach　me！　I　know　not　how　to　live！。　And　if　I　am　guiltyforgive　me！'　But　looking　about；　I　see　there's　no　one　to　speak　to。　No　one　wants　itthey　are　all　rascals！　And　it　seems　they　are　even　worse　than　I　am。　For　I　am；　at　least；　ashamed　of　living　as　I　am；　while　they　are　not！　They　go　on。〃

Foma　uttered　some　violent；　unbecoming　invectives　and　became　silent。　Sasha　broke　off　her　song　and　moved　still　farther　away　from　him。　The　wind　was　raging　outside　the　window；　hurling　dust　against　the　window…panes。　Cockroaches　were　rustling　on　the　oven　as　they　crawled　over　a　bunch　of　pine　wood　splinters。　Somewhere　in　the　yard　a　calf　was　lowing　pitifully。

Sasha　glanced　at　Foma；　with　a　sarcastic　smile；　and　said：

〃There's　another　unfortunate　creature　lowing。　You　ought　to　go　to　him；　perhaps　you　could　sing　in　unison。　And　placing　her　hand　on　his　curly　head　she　jestingly　pushed　it　on　the　side。

〃What　are　people　like　yourself　good　for？　That's　what　you　ought　to　think　of。　What　are　you　groaning　about？　You　are　disgusted　with　being　idleoccupy　yourself；　then；　with　business。〃

〃0h　Lord！〃　Foma　nodded　his　head。　〃It　is　hard　for　one　to　make　himself　understood。　Yes；　it　is　hard！〃　And　irritated；　he　almost　cried　out：　〃What　business？　I　have　no　yearning　toward　business！　What　is　business？　Business　is　merely　a　nameand　if　you　should　look　into　the　depth；　into　the　root　of　ityou'll　find　it　is　nothing　but　absurdity！　Do　I　not　understand　it？　I　understand　everything；　I　see　everything；　I　feel　everything！　Only　my　tongue　is　dumb。　What　aim　is　there　in　business？　Money？　I　have　plenty　of　it！　I　could　choke　you　to　death　with　it；　cover　you　with　it。　All　this　business　is　nothing　but　fraud。　I　meet　business　peoplewell；　and　what　about　them？　Their　greediness　is　immense；　and　yet　they　purposely　whirl　about　in　business　that　they　might　not　see　themselves。　They　hide　themselves；　the　devils。　Try　to　free　them　from　this　bustlewhat　will　happen？　Like　blind　men　they　will　grope　about　hither　and　thither；　they'll　lose　their　mindthey'll　go　mad！　I　know　it！　Do　you　think　that　business　brings　happiness　into　man？　No；　that's　not　sosomething　else　is　missing　here。　This　is　not　everything　yet！　The　river　flows　that　men　may　sail　on　it；　the　tree　growsto　be　useful；　the　dogto　guard　the　house。　There　is　justification　for　everything　in　the　world！　And　men；　like　cockroaches；　are　altogether　superfluous　on　earth。　Everything　is　for　them；　and　theywhat　are　they　for？　Aha！　Wherein　is　their　justification？　Ha；　ha；　ha！〃

Foma　was　triumphant。　It　seemed　to　him　that　he　had　found　something　good　for　himself；　something　severe　against　men。　And　feeling　that；　because　of　this；　there　was　great　joy　in　him；　he　laughed　loudly。

〃Does　not　your　head　ache？〃　inquired　Sasha；　anxiously；　scrutinizing　his　face。

〃My　soul　aches！〃　exclaimed　Foma；　passionately。　〃And　it　aches　because　it　is　uprightbecause　it　is　not　to　be　satisfied　with　trifles。　Answer　it；　how　to　live？　To　what　purpose？　Theretake　my　godfatherhe　is　wise！　He　sayscreate　life！　But　he's　the　only　one　like　this。　Well；　I'll　ask　him；　wait！　And　everybody　sayslife　has　usurped　us！　Life　has　choked　us。　I　shall　ask　these；　too。　And　how　can　we　create　life？　You　must　keep　it　in　your　hands　to　do　this；　you　must　be　master　over　it。　You　cannot　make　even　a　pot；　without　taking　the　clay　into　your　hands。〃

〃Listen！〃　said　Sasha；　seriously。　〃I　think　you　ought　to　get　married；　that's　all！〃

〃What　for？〃　asked　Foma；　shrugging　his　shoulders。

〃You　need　a　bridle。〃

〃All　right！　I　am　living　with　youyou　are　all　of　a　kind；　are　you　not？　One　is　not　sweeter　than　the　other。　I　had　one　before　you；　of　the　same　kind　as　you。　No；　but　that　one　did　it　for　love's　sake。　She　had　taken　a　liking　to　meand　consented；　she　was　goodbut；　otherwise；　she　was　in　every　way　the　same　as　youthough　you　are　prettier　than　she。　But　I　took　a　liking　to　a　certain　ladya　lady　of　noble　birth！　They　said　she　led　a　loose　life；　but　I　did　not　get　her。　Yes；　she　was　clever；　intelligent；　she　lived　in　luxury。　I　used　to　thinkthat's　where　I'll　taste　the　real　thing！　I　did　not　get　herand；　it　may　be；　if　I　had　succeeded；　all　would　have　taken　a　different　turn。　I　yearned　toward　her。　I　thoughtI　could　not　tear　myself　away。　While　now　that　I　have　given　myself　to　drink；　I've　drowned　her　in　wineI　am　forgetting　herand　that　also　is　wrong。　0　man！　You　are　a　rascal；　to　be　frank。〃

Foma　became　silent　and　sank　into　meditation。　And　Sasha　rose　from　the　bench　and　paced　the　hut　to　and　fro；　biting　her　lips。　Then　she　stopped　short　before　him；　and；　clasping　her　hands　to　her　head；　said：

〃Do　you　know　what？　I'll　leave　you。〃

〃Where　will　you　go？〃　asked　Foma；　without　lifting　his　head。

〃I　don't　knowit's　all　the　same！〃

〃But　why？〃

〃You're　always　saying　unnecessary　things。　It　is　lonesome　with　you。　You　make　me　sad。〃

Foma　lifted　his　head；　looked　at　her　and　burst　into　mournful　laughter。

〃Really？　Is　it　possible？〃

〃You　do　make　me　sad！　Do　you　know？　If　I　should　reflect　on　it；　I　would　understand　what　you　say　and　why　you　say　itfor　I　am　also　of　that　sortwhen　the　time　comes；　I　shall　also　think　of　all　this。　And　then　I　shall　be　lost。　But　now　it　is　too　early　for　me。　No；　I　want　to　live　yet；　and　then；　later；　come　what　will！〃

〃And　Iwill　I；　too；　be　lost？〃　asked　Foma；　indifferently；　already　fatigued　by　his　words。

〃Of　course！〃　replied　Sasha；　calmly　and　confidently。　〃All　such　people　are　lost。　He；　whose　character　is　inflexible；　and　who　has　no　brainswhat　sort　of　a　life　is　his？　We　are　like　this。〃

〃I　have　no　character　at　all；〃　said　Foma；　stretching　himself。　Then　after　a　moment's　silence　he　added：

〃And　I　have　no　brains；　either。〃

They　were　silent　for　a　minute；　eyeing　each　other。

〃What　are　we　going　to　do？〃　asked　Foma。

〃We　must　have　dinner。〃

〃No；　I　mean；　in　general？　Afterward？〃

〃Afterward？　I　don't　know？〃

〃So　you　are　leaving　me？〃

〃I　am。　Come；　let's　carouse　some　more　before　we　part。　Let's　go　to　Kazan；　and　there　we'll　have　a　spreesmoke　and　flame！　I'll　sing　your　farewell　song。〃

〃Very　well；〃　assented　Foma。　〃It's　quite　proper　at　leave　taking。　Eh；　you　devil！　That's　a　merry　life！　Listen；　Sasha。　They　say　that　women　of　your　kind　are　greedy　for　money；　are　even　thieves。〃

〃Let　them　say；〃　said　Sasha；　calmly。

〃Don't　you　feel　offended？〃　asked　Foma；　with　curiosity。　〃But　you　are　not　greedy。　It's　advantageous　to　you　to　be　with　me。　I　am　rich；　and　yet　you　are　going　away；　that　shows　you're　not　greedy。〃

〃I？〃　Sasha　thought　awhile　and　said　with　a　wave　of　the　hand：　〃Perhaps　I　am　not　greedywhat　of　it？　I　am　not　of　the　very　lowest　of　the　street　women。　And　against　whom　shall　I　feel　a　grudge？　Let　them　say　whatever　they　please。　It　will　be　only　human　talk；　not　the　bellowing　of　bulls。　And　human　holiness　and　honesty　are　quite　familiar　to　me！　Eh；　how　well　I　know　them！　If　I　were　chosen　as　a　judge；　I　would　acquit　the　dead　only　l〃　and　bursting　into　malicious　laughter；　Sasha　said：　〃Well；　that　will　do；　we've　spoken　enough　nonsense。　Sit　down　at　the　table！〃

On　the　morning　of　the　next　day　Foma　and　Sasha　stood　side　by　side　on　the　gangway　of　a　steamer　which　was　approaching　a　harbour　on　the　Ustye。　Sasha's　big　black　hat　attracted　everybody's　attention　by　its　deftly　bent　brim；　and　its　white　feathers；　and　Foma　was　ill　at　ease　as　he　stood　beside　her；　and　felt　as　though　inquisitive　glances　crawled　over　his　perplexed　face。　The　steamer　hissed　and　quivered　as　it　neared　the　landing…bridge；　which　was　sprinkled　by　a　waiting　crowd　of　people　attired　in　bright　summer　clothes；　and　it　seemed　to　Foma　that　he　noticed　among　the　crowd　of　various　faces　and　figures　a　person　he　knew；　who　now　seemed　to　be　hiding　behind　other　people's　backs；　and　yet　lifted　not　his　eye　from　him。

〃Let's　go　into　the　cabin！〃　said　he　to　his　companion　uneasily。

〃Don't　acquire　the　habit　of　hiding　your　sins　from　people；〃　replied　Sasha；　with　a　smile。　〃Have　you　perhaps　noticed　an　acquaintance　there？〃

〃Mm。　Yes。　Somebody　is　watching　me。〃

〃A　nurse　with　a　milk　bottle？　Ha；　ha；　ha！〃

〃Well；　there　you're　neighing！〃　said　Foma；　enraged；　looking　at　her　askance。　〃Do　you　think　I　am　afraid？〃

〃I　can　see　how　brave　you　are。〃

〃You'll　see。　I'll　face　anybody；〃　said　Foma；　angrily；　but　after　a　close　look　at　the　crowd　in　the　harbour　his　face　suddenly　assumed　another　expression；　and　he　added　softly：

〃Oh；　it's　my　godfather。〃

At　the　very　edge　of　the　landing…stage　stood　Yakov　Tarasovich；　squeezed　between　two　stout　women；　with　his　iron…like　face　lifted　upward；　and　he　waved　his　cap　in　the　air　with　malicious　politeness。　His　beard　shook；　his　bald　crown　flashed；　and　his　small　eye　pierced　Foma　like　borers。

〃What　a　vulture！〃　muttered　Foma；　raising　his　cap　and　nodding　his　head　to　his　godfather。

His　bow　evidently　afforded　great　pleasure　to　Mayakin。　The　old　man　somehow　coiled　himself　up；　stamped　his　feet；　and　his　face　seemed　beaming　with　a　malicious　smile。

〃The　little　boy　will　get　money　for　nuts；　it　seems！〃　Sasha　teased　Foma。　Her　words　together　with　his　godfather's　smile　seemed　to　have　kindled　a　fire　in　Foma's　breast。

〃We　shall　see　what　is　going　to　happen；〃　hissed　Foma；　and　suddenly　he　became　as　petrified　in　malicious　calm。　The　steamer　made　fast；　and　the　people　rushed　in　a　wave　to　the　landing…place。　Pressed　by　the　crowd；　Mayakin　disappeared　for　awhile　from　the　sight　of　his　godson　and　appeared　again　with　a　maliciously　triumphant　smile。　Foma　stared　at　him　fixedly；　with　knitted　brow；　and　came　toward　him　slowly　pacing　the　gang　planks。　They　jostled　him　in　the　back；　they　leaned　on　him；　they　squeezed　him；　and　this　provoked　Foma　still　more。　Now　he　came　face　to　face　with　the　old　man；　and　the　latter　greeted　him　with　a　polite　bow；　and　asked：

〃Whither　are　you　travelling；　Foma　Ignatyich？〃

〃About　my　affairs；〃　replied　Foma；　firmly；　without　greeting　his　godfather。

〃That's　praiseworthy；　my　dear　sir！〃　said　Yakov　Tarasovich；　all　beaming　with　a　smile。　〃The　lady　with　the　featherswhat　is　she　to　you；　may　I　ask？〃

〃She's　my　mistress；〃　said　Foma；　loud；　without　lowering　his　eyes　at　the　keen　look　of