the book of snobs- 第11部分

declare；　'We　WON'T　confirm　or　christen　Lord　Tomnoddy；　or

Sir　Carnaby　Jenks；　to　the　exclusion　of　any　other　young

Christian；'　the　which　declaration　if　their　Lordships　are

induced　to　make；　a　great　LAPIS　OFFENSIONIS　will　be

removed；　and　the　Snob　Papers　will　not　have　been　written

in　vain。



A　story　is　current　of　a　celebrated　NOUVEAU…RICHE；　who

having　had　occasion　to　oblige　that　excellent　prelate　the

Bishop　of　Bullocksmithy；　asked　his　Lordship；　in　return；

to　confirm　his　children　privately　in　his　Lordship's　own

chapel；　which　ceremony　the　grateful　prelate　accordingly

performed。　　Can　satire　go　farther　than　this？　　Is　there

even　in　this　most　amusing　of　prints；　any　more　NAIVE

absurdity？　　It　is　as　if　a　man　wouldn't　go　to　heaven

unless　he　went　in　a　special　train；　or　as　if　he　thought

（as　some　people　think　about　vaccination）　Confirmation

more　effectual　when　administered　at　first　hand。　　When

that　eminent　person；　the　Begum　Sumroo；　died；　it　is　said

she　left　ten　thousand　pounds　to　the　Pope；　and　ten

thousand　to　the　Archbishop　of　Canterbury；so　that　there

should　be　no　mistake；so　as　to　make　sure　of　having　the

ecclesiastical　authorities　on　her　side。　　This　is　only　a

little　more　openly　and　undisguisedly　snobbish　than　the

cases　before　alluded　to。　　A　well…bred　Snob　is　just　as

secretly　proud　of　his　riches　and　honours　as　a　PARVENU

Snob　who　makes　the　most　ludicrous　exhibition　of　them；　and

a　high…born　Marchioness　or　Duchess　just　as　vain　of

herself　and　her　diamonds；　as　Queen　Quashyboo；　who　sews　a

pair　of　epaulets　on　to　her　skirt；　and　turns　out　in　state

in　a　cocked　hat　and　feathers。



It　is　not　out　of　disrespect　to　my　'Peerage；'　which　I　love

and　honour；　（indeed；　have　I　not　said　before；　that　I

should　be　ready　to　jump　out　of　my　skin　if　two　Dukes　would

walk　down　Pall　Mall　with　me？）it　is　not　out　of

disrespect　for　the　individuals；　that　I　wish　these　titles

had　never　been　invented；　but；　consider；　if　there　were　no

tree；　there　would　be　no　shadow；　and　how　much　more　honest

society　would　be；　and　how　much　more　serviceable　the

clergy　would　be　（which　is　our　present　consideration）；　if

these　temptations　of　rank　and　continual　baits　of

worldliness　were　not　in　existence；　and　perpetually　thrown

out　to　lead　them　astray。



I　have　seen　many　examples　of　their　falling　away。　　When；

for　instance；　Tom　Sniffle　first　went　into　the　country　as

Curate　for　Mr。　Fuddleston　（Sir　Huddleston　Fuddleston's

brother）；　who　resided　on　some　other　living；　there　could

not　be　a　more　kind；　hardworking；　and　excellent　creature

than　Tom。　　He　had　his　aunt　to　live　with　him。　　His　conduct

to　his　poor　was　admirable。　　He　wrote　annually　reams　of

the　best…intentioned　and　vapid　sermons。　　When　Lord

Brandyball's　family　came　down　into　the　country；　and

invited　him　to　dine　at　Brandyball　Park；　Sniffle　was　so

agitated　that　he　almost　forgot　how　to　say　grace；　and

upset　a　bowl　of　currant…jelly　sauce　in　Lady　Fanny

Toffy's　lap。



What　was　the　consequence　of　his　intimacy　with　that　noble

family？　　He　quarrelled　with　his　aunt　for　dining　out　every

night。　　The　wretch　forgot　his　poor　altogether；　and　killed

his　old　nag　by　always　riding　over　to　Brandyball；　where　he

revelled　in　the　maddest　passion　for　Lady　Fanny。　　He

ordered　the　neatest　new　clothes　and　ecclesiastical

waistcoats　from　London；　he　appeared　with　corazza…shirts；

lackered　boots；　and　perfumery；　he　bought　a　blood…horse

from　Bob　Toffy：　was　seen　at　archery　meetings；　public

breakfasts；actually　at　cover；　and；　I　blush　to　say；　that

I　saw　him　in　a　stall　at　the　Opera；　and　afterwards　riding

by　Lady　Fanny's　side　in　Rotten　Row。　　He　DOUBLE…BARRELLED

his　name；　（as　many　poor　Snobs　do；）　and　instead　of　T。

Sniffle；　as　formerly；　came　out；　in　a　porcelain　card；　as

Rev。　T。　D'Arcy　Sniffle；　Burlington　Hotel。



The　end　of　all　this　may　be　imagined：　when　the　Earl　of

Brandyball　was　made　acquainted　with　the　curate's　love　for

Lady　Fanny；　he　had　that　fit　of　the　gout　which　so　nearly

carried　him　off　（to　the　inexpressible　grief　of　his　son；

Lord　Alicompayne）；　and　uttered　that　remarkable　speech　to

Sniffle；　which　disposed　of　the　claims　of　the　latter：'

If　I　didn't　respect　the　Church；　Sir；'　his　Lordship　said；

'by　Jove；　I'd　kick　you　downstairs：'　his　Lordship　then

fell　back　into　the　fit　aforesaid；　and　Lady　Fanny；　as　we

all　know；　married　General　Podager。



As　for　poor　Tom；　he　was　over　head　and　ears　in　debt　as

well　as　in　love：　his　creditors　came　down　upon　him。　　Mr。

Hemp；　of　Portugal　Street；　proclaimed　his　name　lately　as　a

reverend　outlaw；　and　he　has　been　seen　at　various　foreign

watering…places；　sometimes　doing　duty；　sometimes

'coaching'　a　stray　gentleman's　son　at　Carlsruhe　or

Kissingen；　sometimesmust　we　say　it？　lurking　about　the

roulette…tables　with　a　tuft　to　his　chin。



If　temptation　had　not　come　upon　this　unhappy　fellow　in

the　shape　of　a　Lord　Brandyball；　he　might　still　have　been

following　his　profession；　humbly　and　worthily。　　He　might

have　married　his　cousin　with　four　thousand　pounds；　the

wine…merchant's　daughter　（the　old　gentleman　quarrelled

with　his　nephew　for　not　soliciting　wine…orders　from　Lord

B。　for　him）：　he　might　have　had　seven　children；　and　taken

private　pupils；　and　eked　out　his　income；　and　lived　and

died　a　country　parson。



Could　he　have　done　better？　　You　who　want　to　know　how

great；　and　good；　and　noble　such　a　character　may　be；　read

Stanley's　'Life　of　Doctor　Arnold。'







CHAPTER　XIII



ON　CLERICAL　SNOBS



Among　the　varieties　of　the　Snob　Clerical；　the　University

Snob　and　the　Scholastic　Snob　ought　never　to　be　forgotten；

they　form　a　very　strong　battalion　in　the　black…coated

army。



The　wisdom　of　our　ancestors　（which　I　admire　more　and　more

every　day）　seemed　to　have　determined　that　education　of

youth　was　so　paltry　and　unimportant　a　matter；　that　almost

any　man；　armed　with　a　birch　and　regulation　cassock　and

degree；　might　undertake　the　charge：　and　many　an　honest

country　gentleman　may　be　found　to　the　present　day；　who

takes　very　good　care　to　have　a　character　with　his　butler

when　he　engages　him　and　will　not　purchase　a　horse　without

the　warranty　and　the　closest　inspection；　but　sends　off

his　son；　young　John　Thomas；　to　school　without　asking　any

questions　about　the　Schoolmaster；　and　places　the　lad　at

Switchester　College；　under　Doctor　Block；　because　he　（the

good　old　English　gentleman）　had　been　at　Switchester；

under　Doctor　Buzwig；　forty　years　ago。



We　have　a　love　for　all　little　boys　at　school；　for　many

scores　of　thousands　of　them　read　and　love　PUNCH：may　he

never　write　a　word　that　shall　not　be　honest　and　fit　for

them　to　read！　　He　will　not　have　his　young　friends　to　be

Snobs　in　the　future；　or　to　be　bullied　by　Snobs；　or　given

over　to　such　to　be　educated。　　Our　connexion　with　the

youth　at　the　Universities　is　very　close　and　affectionate。

The　candid　undergraduate　is　our　friend。　　The　pompous　old

College　Don　trembles　in　his　common　room；　lest　we　should

attack　him　and　show　him　up　as　a　Snob。



When　railroads　were　threatening　to　invade　the　land　which

they　have　since　conquered；　it　may　be　recollected　what　a

shrieking　and　outcry　the　authorities　of　Oxford　and　Eton

made；　lest　the　iron　abominations　should　come　near　those

seats　of　pure　learning；　and　tempt　the　British　youth

astray。　　The　supplications　were　in　vain；　the　railroad　is

in　upon　them；　and　the　old…world　institutions　are　doomed。

I　felt　charmed　to　read　in　the　papers　the　other　day　a　most

veracious　puffing　advertisement　headed；　'To　College　and

back　for　Five　Shillings。'　　'The　College　Gardens　（it　said）

will　be　thrown　open　on　this　occasion；　the　College　youths

will　perform　a　regatta；　the　Chapel　of　King's　College　will

have　its　celebrated　music；'and　all　for　five　shillings！

The　Goths　have　got　into　Rome；　Napoleon　Stephenson　draws

his　republican　lines　round　the　sacred　old　cities　and　the

ecclesiastical　big…wigs　who　garrison　them　must　prepare　to

lay　down　key　and　crosier　before　the　iron　conqueror。



If　you　consider；　dear　reader；　what　profound　snobbishness

the　University　System　produced；　you　will　allow　that　it　is

time　to　attack　some　of　those　feudal　middle…age

superstitions。　　If　you　go　down　for　five　shillings　to　look

at　the　'College　Youths；'　you　may　see　one　sneaking　down

the　court　without　a　tassel　to　his　cap；　another　with　a

gold　or　silver　fringe　to　his　velvet　trencher；　a　third　lad

with　a　master's　gown　and　hat；　walking　at　ease　over　the

sacred　College　grass…plats；　which　common　men　must　not

tread　on。



He　may　do　it　because　he　is　a　nobleman。　　Because　a　lad　is

a　lord；　the　University　gives　him　a　degree　at　the　end　of

two　years　which　another　is　seven　in　acquiring。　　Because

he　is　a　lord；　he　has　no　call　to　go　through　an

examination。　　　Any　man　who　has　not　been　to　College　and

back　for　five　shillings；　would　not　believe　in　such

distinctions　in　a　place　of　education；　so　absurd　and

monstrous　do　they　seem　to　be。



The　lads　with　gold　and　silver　lace　are　sons　of　rich

gentlemen　and　called　Fellow　Commoners；　they　are

privileged　to　feed　better　than　the　pensioners；　and　to

have　wine　with　their　victuals；　which　the　latter　can　only

get　in　their　rooms。



The　unlucky　boys　who　have　no　tassels　to　their　caps；　are

called　sizarsSERVITORS　at　Oxford（a　very　pretty　and

gentlemanlike　title）。　　A　distinction　is　made　in　their

clothes　because　they　are　poor；　for　which　reason　they　wear

a　badge　of　poverty；　and　are　not　allowed　to　take　their

meals　with　their　fellow…students。



When　this　wicked　and　shameful　distinction　was　set　up；　it

was　of　a　piece　with　all　the　resta　part　of　the　brutal；

unchristian；　blundering　feudal　system。　　Distinctions　of

rank　were　then　so　strongly　insisted　upon；　that　it　would

have　been　thought　blasphemy　to　doubt　them；　as　blasphemous

as　it　is　in　parts　of　the　United　States　now　for　a　nigger

to　set　up　as　the　equal　of　a　white　man。　　A　ruffian　like

Henry　VIII。　talked　as　gravely　about　the　divine　powers

vested　in　him；　as　if　he　had　been　an　inspired　prophet。　　A

wretch　like　James　I。