started innumerable objections； argued and wrangled with uncommon
perseverance； and grew very warm； and even violent； in the
debate。 Sometimes he was puzzled； and once or twice； I think；
fairly refuted； but from those falls he rose again； like Antaeus；
with redoubled vigour； till at length I was tired； exhausted； and
really did not know how to proceed； when luckily he dropped a
hint； by which he discovered he had been bred to the law； a
confession which enabled me to retire from the dispute with a
good grace； as it could not be supposed that a man like me； who
had been bred to nothing； should be able to cope with a veteran
in his own profession。 I believe； however； that I shall for some
time continue to chew the cud of reflection upon many
observations which this original discharged。
Whether our sister Tabby was really struck with his conversation；
or is resolved to throw at every thing she meets in the shape of
a man； till she can fasten the matrimonial noose； certain it is；
she has taken desperate strides towards the affection of
Lismahago； who cannot be said to have met her half way； though he
does not seem altogether insensible to her civilities。 She
insinuated more than once how happy we should be to have his
company through that part of Scotland which we proposed to visit；
till at length he plainly told us； that his road was totally
different from that which we intended to take； that； for his
part； his company would be of very little service to us in our
progress； as he was utterly unacquainted with the country； which
he had left in his early youth； consequently； he could neither
direct us in our enquiries； nor introduce us to any family of
distinction。 He said； he was stimulated by an irresistible
impulse to revisit the paternus lar； or patria domus； though he
expected little satisfaction； inasmuch as he understood that his
nephew； the present possessor； was but ill qualified to support
the honour of the family。 He assured us； however； as we design
to return by the west road； that he will watch our motions； and
endeavour to pay his respects to us at Dumfries。 Accordingly he
took his leave of us at a place half way betwixt Morpeth and
Alnwick； and pranced away in great state； mounted on a tall；
meagre； raw…boned； shambling grey gelding； without e'er a tooth
in his head； the very counter…part of the rider； and； indeed； the
appearance of the two was so picturesque； that I would give
twenty guineas to have them tolerably presented on canvas。
Northumberland is a fine county； extending to the Tweed； which is
a pleasant pastoral stream； but you will be surprised when I tell
you that the English side of that river is neither so well
cultivated nor so populous as the other。 The farms are thinly
scattered； the lands uninclosed； and scarce a gentleman's seat
is to be seen in some miles from the Tweed； whereas the Scots are
advanced in crowds to the very brink of the river； so that you
may reckon above thirty good houses； in the compass of a few
miles； belonging to proprietors whose ancestors had fortified
castles in the same situations； a circumstance that shews what
dangerous neighbours the Scots must have formerly been to the
northern counties of England。
Our domestic oeconomy continues on the old footing。 My sister
Tabby still adheres to methodism； and had the benefit of a sermon
at Wesley's meeting in Newcastle； but I believe the Passion of
love has in some measure abated the fervour of devotion both in
her and her woman； Mrs Jenkins； about whose good graces there has
been a violent contest betwixt my nephew's valet； Mr Dutton； and
my man； Humphry Clinker。 Jery has been obliged to interpose his
authority to keep the peace； and to him I have left the
discussion of that important affair； which had like to have
kindled the flames of discord in the family of
Yours always；
MATT。 BRAMBLE
TWEEDMOUTH； July 15。
To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS； Bart。 at Oxon。
DEAR WAT；
In my two last you had so much of Lismahago； that I suppose you
are glad he is gone off the stage for the present。 I must now
descend to domestic occurrences。 Love； it seems； is resolved to
assert his dominion over all the females of our family。 After
having practised upon poor Liddy's heart； and played strange
vagaries with our aunt Mrs Tabitha； he began to run riot in the
affections of her woman； Mrs Winifred Jenkins； whom I have had
occasion to mention more than once in the course of our memoirs。
Nature intended Jenkins for something very different from the
character of her mistress； yet custom and habit have effected a
wonderful resemblance betwixt them in many particulars。 Win； to
be sure； is much younger and more agreeable in her person； she is
likewise tender…hearted and benevolent； qualities for which her
mistress is by no means remarkable； no more than she is for being
of a timorous disposition； and much subject to fits of the
mother； which are the infirmities of Win's constitution： but then
she seems to have adopted Mrs Tabby's manner with her cast
cloaths。 She dresses and endeavours to look like her mistress；
although her own looks are much more engaging。 She enters into
her scheme of oeconomy； learns her phrases； repeats her remarks；
imitates her stile in scolding the inferior servants； and；
finally； subscribes implicitly to her system of devotion。 This；
indeed； she found the more agreeable； as it was in a great
measure introduced and confirmed by the ministry of Clinker； with
whose personal merit she seems to have been struck ever since he
exhibited the pattern of his naked skin at Marlborough。
Nevertheless； though Humphry had this double hank upon her
inclinations； and exerted all his power to maintain the conquest
he had made； he found it impossible to guard it on the side of
vanity； where poor Win was as frail as any female in the kingdom。
In short； my rascal Dutton professed himself her admirer； and； by
dint of his outlandish qualifications； threw his rival Clinker
out of the saddle of her heart。 Humphry may be compared to an
English pudding； composed of good wholesome flour and suet； and
Dutton to a syllabub or iced froth； which； though agreeable to
the taste； has nothing solid or substantial。 The traitor not only
dazzled her； with his second…hand finery； but he fawned； and
flattered； and cringed he taught her to take rappee； and
presented her with a snuff…box of papier mache he supplied her
with a powder for her teeth he mended her complexion； and he
dressed her hair in the Paris fashion he undertook to be her
French master and her dancing…master； as well as friseur； and
thus imperceptibly wound himself into her good graces。 Clinker
perceived the progress he had made； and repined in secret。 He
attempted to open her eyes in the way of exhortation； and finding
it produced no effect had recourse to prayer。 At Newcastle； while
he attended Mrs Tabby to the methodist meeting his rival
accompanied Mrs Jenkins to the play。 He was dressed in a silk
coat； made at Paris for his former master； with a tawdry
waistcoat of tarnished brocade； he wore his hair in a great bag
with a huge solitaire； and a long sword dangled from his thigh。
The lady was all of a flutter with faded lutestring； washed
gauze； and ribbons three times refreshed； but she was most
remarkable for the frisure of her head； which rose； like a
pyramid； seven inches above the scalp； and her face was primed
and patched from the chin up to the eyes； nay； the gallant
himself had spared neither red nor white in improving the nature
of his own complexion。 In this attire； they walked together
through the high street to the theatre； and as they passed for
players ready dressed for acting； they reached it unmolested； but
as it was still light when they returned； and by that time the
people had got information of their real character and condition；
they hissed and hooted all the way； and Mrs Jenkins was all
bespattered with dirt； as well as insulted with the opprobrious
name of painted Jezabel； so that her fright and mortification
threw her into an hysteric fit the moment she came home。
Clinker was so incensed at Dutton； whom he considered as the
cause of her disgrace； that he upbraided him severely for having
turned the poor woman's brain。 The other affected to treat him
with contempt； and mistaking his forbearance for want of courage；
threatened to horse…whip him into good manners。 Humphry then came
to me； humbly begging I would give him leave to chastise my
servant for his insolence 'He has challenged me to fight him at
sword's point （said he）； but I might as well challenge him to
make a horse…shoe； or a plough iron； for I know no more of the
one than he does of the other。 Besides； it doth not become
servants to use those weapons； or to claim the privilege of
gentlemen to kill one another when they fall out； moreover； I
would not have his blood upon my conscience for ten thousand
times the profit or satisfaction I should get by his death； but
if your honour won't be angry； I'll engage to gee 'en a good
drubbing； that； may hap； will do 'en service； and I'll take care
it shall do 'en no harm。' I said； I had no objection to what he
proposed； provided he could manage matters so as not to be found
the aggressor； in case Dutton should prosecute him for an assault
and battery。
Thus licensed； he retired； and that same evening easily provoked
his rival to strike the first blow； which Clinker returned with
such interest that he was obliged to call for quarter； declaring；
at the same time； that he would exact severe and bloody
satisfaction the moment we should pass the border； when he could
run him through the body without fear of the consequence。 This
scene passed in presence of lieutenant Lismahago； who encouraged
Clinker to hazard a thrust of cold iron with his antagonist。
'Cold iron （cried Humphry） I shall never use against the life of
any human creature； but I am so far from being afraid of his cold
iron； that I shall use nothing in my defence but a good cudgel；
which shall always be at his service。' In the mean time； the fair
cause of this contest； Mrs Winifred Jenkins； seemed overwhelmed
with affliction； and Mr Clinker acted much